What Is Avoidant Attachment?
American culture holds a hyper-individualism unseen in many other cultures. You probably regularly hear phrases like, “I rely on me, myself, and I,” “I’m a strong, independent woman…I don’t need a man,” or “I’m a lone wolf.”
All of these denote a sense of strength and have been readily adopted by many as a badge of honor. And while having a solid sense of self and autonomy is something to be valued, it can come at the cost of our ability to form healthy relationships.
In this series, we’ve been diving into Attachment Theory. Today, we’ll look at the second of three types of insecure attachment: avoidant attachment.
An Intro to Avoidant Attachment
When we think of an avoidant attachment style, we think of someone characterized as independent and self-sufficient. These folks are typically seen as successful and high-achieving, as they tend to place a large focus and value on their careers. In relationships, they appear confident and easygoing, and probably have a large circle of friends and social network.
Despite this, these individuals often fail to develop deep intimacy in relationships. Though they may have many shallow relationships, they lack the ability to open up on a deeper emotional level and experience deep connection. Often, these individuals have a high view of self (believing they can only rely on the self) while having a low view of others (believing others can only be trusted to a certain extent).
How Avoidant Attachment Develops
Avoidant individuals are often the product of parents or primary caregivers who are emotionally unavailable. As we’ve discussed, a caregiver’s ability to attune to their infant's emotional and physical needs is hugely important to developing secure attachments later in life. In the case of avoidant attachment, the caregiver or parent is regularly emotionally cut off themselves and thereby unable and sometimes unwilling to meet the emotional bid of their child.
For instance, if a child cries and lifts his arms to his parent, the avoidant parent would likely either ignore their child or respond by saying something like, “Stop crying!” or “That’s enough!” This type of misattunement creates a sense of isolation in the child. They learn that they cannot trust or expect others to meet their emotional needs and that they can only rely on the self. It also, over time, numbs their capacity to feel or connect to their feelings—pleasant or distressing.
Avoidant Attachment in Adulthood
As this type of child enters adulthood, having learned to trust no one with their inner life, they often live in isolation. Although on the outside it can appear that these people “have it all together” because of their outer confidence and external success, they actually have an inherent mistrust of others—stemming from a core fear of being known and rejected. An avoidant person fights between their innate desire to be known by others and a deep mistrust of others.
Characteristics of Avoidant Attachment
Common characteristics we see with avoidant attachment are:
Hyper-independence
Avoiding eye contact when speaking
Disliking physical touch
Avoiding asking for help
Suppressing emotions
Withdrawal when a partner gets too close (perceiving them as clingy)
These characteristics form as protective factors against the perception that others will ultimately reject them. In this mindset, intimacy with others is never safe. Overall, these characteristics inhibit these individuals' capacity to truly feel known and loved.
Hope for Healthier Attachment
Like anxious attachment, for individuals with avoidant attachment, there is hope. For these types of people, moving toward a more secure attachment looks like recognizing the distortions in their beliefs about others and about the self. Through practice and experience, they can begin to believe that other people can be trusted and that we cannot rely only on ourselves. It’s about recognizing the importance of not only knowing how they feel but feeling safe enough in a relationship to express their feelings and inner self to others.
Sometimes healing looks like going to therapy, where avoidantly attached individuals can explore their beliefs and make connections back to their childhood. For others, healing can be found in the context of cultivating relationships with people who might challenge their assumptions. And ultimately, in our Christian counseling context, this type of person can recognize that despite their upbringing and hurtful messages that were communicated to them, they are fully known and fully loved by a God who created them to be in close, intimate relationship with Himself and others.