Considering Friendship: How to Make a Friend and Be a Friend
“There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship” – Thomas Aquinas
My current Netflix binge is “Sweet Magnolias.” It centers on three friends and the life they share in the charming town of Serenity (Gilmore Girls fans might think of Stars Hollow). These middle-aged women have a long history together and make it a priority to have weekly margarita nights. Clothed in beautiful outfits, they encourage each other to “pour it out”—spill your news and your feelings, share everything. From terrible losses to amazing accomplishments, these friends support and celebrate each other.
Isn’t this what so many of us want? A friend that knows our innermost thoughts and experiences, and not only loves us but hands us a delicious drink with some guac and chips? All while wearing designer clothing we look incredible in? Me—I’m raising my hand, I want that!
Now, just like dating and marriage, friendship is often romanticized on screen. Not just in shows and movies, but on social media as well. Instagram will highlight pictures of friends with big smiles in beautiful places. Have you ever felt jealousy or sadness looking at them?
We have a natural longing for friendship—God-given and very normal. We are made to be in community, and we are meant to share life with others.
What’s the state of friendship in your life?
Proverbs 27:9 says, “A sweet friendship refreshes the soul.” We know this to be true, but what makes a refreshing friendship? A few questions for reflection here.
Who do you enjoy spending time with? Who makes you laugh and who has held you or listened when you cry? Maybe scroll through your recent texts and wonder, is this person a friend? Why or why not? This first step is all about clarifying who you have in your life.
Maybe a few folks come to mind. Wonder to yourself, am I happy and content with the state of our friendship? Maybe you realize no one is coming to mind, or who you are thinking about you haven’t seen in a long time because they are not close by. Maybe you are lonely, and you want a friend. This is a common problem of our era. How do you get a friend? Where do you start?
Growing your friendship circle
To grow your friendship circle and to become a good friend yourself takes intentionality, time, authenticity, and vulnerability. Let’s look at a couple things to consider when growing your friendship circle.
1. Where Do You Already Know People?
Is there someone at church you always like running into, but have never spent time with? A coworker or neighbor you enjoy chatting with about shared interests? Seek that person out, take a risk, and invite them to coffee.
2. What Groups Are You Involved In?
Has it been a long time since you participated in a group (thanks Covid), but you used to really enjoy Bible or book studies? Maybe you’ve always been interested in a bowling league or hiking group? Look into local churches, libraries, town Facebook groups, or recreational centers. Put yourself out there! That can be anxiety-producing and it is often easier (and understandable) to just decide not to. But I encourage you to think about ways to meet a new friend through a group!
3. Be Specific About Making Plans
Pursue and follow through! Be specific—don’t just say, “hey I miss you, let’s get together soon!” Try to get real plans on the schedule with something like: “I was just thinking of you and how nice it would be to spend time together. I’m open next Wednesday for lunch or Thursday for dinner. Do either of those work for you? If not, let me know when you are available!”
4. Consider How Plans Fit Into Your and Others’ Lives
Take note of the season of life they are in and consider easier ways to catch up with them. A new mom may appreciate a visit; an active friend may appreciate getting some exercise together.
5. Be Present!
Then, when you have that time together, remember the value of being a good listener, and the importance in being fully present. Put the phone on silent, don’t interrupt, ask caring questions and be honest yourself about how you’ve been doing.
6. Be Real!
On that note, being transparent and real allows others to offer the same. Being a good friend is a gift you are giving—a gift of acceptance, love, humor, and companionship. Enjoy your time together!
Friendship truly is such a gift, a balm for the soul. There’s definitely more to say on the subject, so we’ll look at more in future articles. Whether you are longing for friendship or just interested in the topic, I pray these posts invite reflection about friendship and offer helpful suggestions on how to grow in this area.