What Is Anxious Attachment?
We all want to be loved, valued, and desired in relationship. Each of us needs to know that our partner, our friends, and our family aren’t going anywhere. This is healthy and right—it’s the basis of attachment theory.
But as is often the case and is a symptom of sin, these good and right desires can become distorted and all-consuming in anxiety. When our relationships are not dependable, unpredictable, or just plain stressful, it can lead to all kinds of negative effects. This is what attachment theory refers to as “anxious attachment.”
The Basics of Anxious Attachment
A primary symptom of anxious attachment is the need for constant reassurance in relationships in order to feel validated. People with this attachment style often have a low view of themselves and a high view of others. Often unconsciously, they hold the belief that others are good and they are unshakably bad—and this causes a lot of anxiety. This creates an unhealthy dynamic in relationships as they tend to use others to prop themselves up emotionally and build their view of self on their perception of how others view them.
How Anxious Attachment Develops
In my previous blog, we read that attachment psychologists learned the importance of the primary caregiver’s attunement to the infant. When the caregiver is inconsistent in meeting an infant’s needs, we see the development of an anxious attachment. This inconsistency creates confusion for the child. “Sometimes,” they think in preconscious terms, “I am met with affection and others I’m ignored or pushed away.” With little or no dependability, these people begin to think that that’s simply how relationships are.
Often, parents who lack emotional maturity or have an anxious attachment themselves can create this inconsistency. It’s also not uncommon for these parents to use their child to meet their own emotional needs, and the child develops a sense of responsibility over their parent’s emotional life. We also see the development of anxious attachment in instances of abuse or in chaotic and unpredictable home life.
Anxious Attachment in Adult Relationships
If this inconsistency continues, the child grows into an adult who feels insecure and unsure how to get their relational needs met. This can lead to a range of factors, such as:
Primary focus on the needs of their partner while devaluing/dismissing their own
Clinginess
Needing constant reassurance
Inability to communicate needs
Struggle and discomfort with conflict
The anxiously attached adult relies on their partner for their sense of worth and tries to remain as closely attached as possible. Their core fear is abandonment; unless they reaffirm attachment, they fear the other person in the relationship is long gone, never to return. Unfortunately, because of their low view of self and need to be constantly reassured, they can be difficult to stay in relationship with, and this fear comes true, reinforcing the negative view of self.
Here’s an example. Let’s say a couple has been dating for a few months, and the boyfriend is going on his annual family vacation. He lets his girlfriend know he will have spotty reception and may not be as available as usual. She tells him she understands, but after one day of being away, she becomes anxious and sends him ten text messages and leaves three voicemails. She becomes increasingly distressed as the day goes on without a reply. She starts to think that he must be done with her, he must have found someone better, and he must think she is no good. Her lack of a positive view of self, combined with her overblown view of others (in this case, her boyfriend), sets up a distortion of both of them in her mind: she’s no good, and he’s too good for her. Unfortunately, thoughts and behaviors like these could lead to either the ending of the relationship or set up unhealthy dynamics within it.
Moving From Anxious to Secure
Luckily, there is a lot of hope for change for those who identify with an anxious attachment style. Seeking out professional therapy can be a great way to grow in self-awareness, change unhealthy relational patterns, and identify negative views of self and others. Spending time around more securely attached people can also lead to corrective emotional experiences— experiences that teach us to relate to others and ourselves in healthier ways. Sometimes, developing more secure attachments is as simple as growing and maturing throughout the course of life.
Secure Relationship in Christ
Lasting relational change ultimately comes through our relationship with Christ, as the gospel reminds us that we are wanted and valued by the God of the universe. Companionship with the Creator is the most secure and lasting relationship we will ever know. Remaining close to Him throughout this life reminds us that there is always hope in the redemptive power of Christ. He meets our brokenness with His truth and restores both ourselves and our relationships.