7 Ways Therapy Is Different Than Talking to a Friend
As a therapist, I often hear people’s unfiltered thoughts about therapy and psychology. One thing I hear, either as a hot take on counseling or times I’ve suggested someone might benefit from the therapy process, is more skeptical: “I don’t want to talk to some stranger. What could I get there that I can’t from someone I know and trust?”
This is reasonable—I certainly get it. Trusted friends are a true treasure, and it’s hard to get through life without this type of supportive community. But I also think this reasoning falls short.
Talking to a therapist is not exactly like talking to a trusted friend for several valuable reasons. Here are seven reasons therapy is different than talking to a friend.
1. Confidentiality
A major difference between talking to a therapist and talking to a friend is confidentiality. Confidentiality is the assurance that nothing you say in the therapy room (barring intent to harm oneself or someone else) will leave that room. As much as you might trust your friends, that fear that what you share might be passed on to others can still exist. Confidentiality is one of the rules of therapy; therapists can get in serious legal trouble if they violate this!
What’s good about confidentiality? Confidentiality allows clients to hold and discuss parts of themselves that are difficult to talk about, even with people we trust the most. We all have seen, thought, or done things that are hard to dwell on, much less talk about. Confidentiality adds a protective barrier to this vulnerable process.
2. Separation From Daily Life
There are huge benefits to the fact that what you say in the therapy room stays in the therapy room. Sharing our problematic, vulnerable, and sometimes shameful parts can be complex and embarrassing. A good therapist makes room to hold that embarrassment with grace and compassion—and then you get to leave it there until next week. Sharing these things with people you see on a daily or weekly basis might feel like it could affect other times you see them, whether that’s at the gym, at church, at work, or in your home.
3. Trained, Trusted Listeners
Counselors are professionally trained to listen to and understand their clients. The best are also compassionate and empathetic, even able to feel with you the distress, confusion, frustration, or pain you’re going through. It’s hard to say how valuable it is to have a good listener who helps you share what’s going on in your life and heart.
Also, therapists are in the business of hearing hard stories. They might not be as shocked as you fear by your own story of pain or failure. I’ve seen clients feel relieved merely because I wasn’t shocked at what they shared. To have a person receive our complicated internal “stuff” and still say, “Ok. This, too, we can work with”—that in itself can be therapeutic.
As Mr. Rogers said, “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable.”
4. Increased Objectivity
Objectivity means being unswayed by personal biases or motivations. While total objectivity is essentially impossible (everyone carries personal thoughts and preferences that find their way out), therapists work to be aware of their biases and offer a more objective view of their clients.
An example of this might be one’s personal experience compared to how others experience them: “I know you feel like you kept your cool and weren’t becoming angry with your wife, but it sounds like she felt afraid and defensive. Is it possible you were coming off as more angry than you felt internally?” Another: “You characterize your mom as overbearing, but these three instances sound to me, as an outsider, like reasonable communication. Why might it feel like your mom is overbearing?”
5. Room to Drop the Act
We all have roles in different social settings, which isn’t inherently wrong—it’s pretty basic to human dynamics. You might fulfill a different role in your family than in your workplace or your friend group; different parts of yourself show up more fully in different arenas.
That said, therapy is a place where you get to drop the act and examine a truer self. What do these different roles offer you? What do you actually like/dislike? What do you actually think about your boss or your mother-in-law?
“I can be totally myself with my friends,” you might say. That’s great! It’s wonderful to let our guard down. But even friends expect certain things from us to one degree or another. They (maybe unknowingly) want us to remain the funny one, the quiet one, or even the sad or anxious one. These social expectations don’t have to be at play in the therapy context, which helps us become more consistent, integrated people.
6. Pointing Out Blindspots
Therapists have a unique opportunity to point out potential blind spots or things we can’t see about ourselves. Friends and family might be hesitant to share things (such as social skills we lack or flaws in our thinking) out of fear it could damage the relationship. Therapists see it as a core part of their job to help clients see blind spots that others may not be willing to point out. And while we strive to do this gently and kindly, we’re also prepared to work through the hurt feelings that can come up too.
7. Knowledge of Psychology
Psychologists over the centuries (and, in a way, the millennia) have done a lot of thinking about what it’s like to be a person. And while we all have our own individual experience that is not entirely like everyone else's, there are discernible patterns, tendencies, and dynamics to be observed about humanity.
Counselors are trained in psychology and can utilize psychological (and philosophical and theological) theories to help understand what’s going on in your life. Isn’t it comforting to know we are not alone? To know others have faced something like it before, and there are possible steps forward?
Conclusion
I hope we all have people with whom we can fully share and talk through life’s difficulties. That’s certainly not the case for everyone. But even if we do, there are significant benefits to talking to a trained professional who actually doesn’t know us in other social circles.
