While there is no exact mention of the word “self-esteem” in the Bible, there are plenty of stories about how we view ourselves, how we view others, and how God views us, all of which are extremely relevant when we think about self-esteem. And while it is a popular word today both in pop culture and in psychotherapy, it is also elusive in its exact definition because of all the things that can influence it in each person. What I want to explore in this article is how we can view self-esteem from a biblical lens and, thus, come closer to the healthiest goal for self-esteem and manage it well. (For more writing on this topic, see my colleague Jovan Coleman’s recent work: Understanding Self-Esteem.)
Collecting self-esteem
Self-esteem is influenced by collected experiences and perceived interactions over time, and as such it includes our relationships, our jobs, our successes and failures, our natural giftings and shortcomings, experiences of shame, embarrassment, pride, or joy, the weight we assign to certain memories, as well as how we have seen others see us throughout our life (did they seem to experience our presence with joy, with exhaustion, with judgement, etc.?). If I say, “I have low self-esteem,” it’s the negative compilation of all the experiences above, how I have impacted others, how they have impacted me, and so on. So self-esteem is not that easy to pin down and it carries a lot of nuance and weight behind it. It’s dynamic rather than static.
Seeking honesty, not just positivity
Is the answer to having low self-esteem simply to work toward having high self-esteem? Probably not, because it’s just not that straightforward. If half the things that cause our low self-esteem are experiences of how people treated us negatively, we can’t suddenly force all people to treat us positively, nor would it even help. Nancy McWilliams states that, “Supporting people's self-esteem by giving them only positive reactions is not protecting or creating reasonable self-esteem; it is fostering illusion…If superficial emotional support did anything substantial for a person's self-esteem, then anyone with friends would not need psychotherapy.” A more helpful goal to work toward is to have an honest, transparent, and accurate view of oneself, especially (as Christians) in light of the gospel. C.S. Lewis said that, "If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth, only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.” A healthy self-esteem is one based in truth and accuracy, not only in comfort. If we only look for things that are going to make us feel good, we will be deceiving ourselves.
Confronting your worst without fear
The inverse is truth as well. In light of the gospel (the unconditional love of God), we are free to admit the worst about ourselves, knowing that this does not change where we stand with the Lord. It is the very place where he wants to transform us. When it comes to working on having an accurate self-esteem, that is not something we conjure up on our own. It’s something that is reworked and re-shaped through community, prayer, and imagining Christ seeing us with his heart.
Some questions to ask yourself when you are thinking about your self-esteem are, “Am I seeing myself accurately? Is there something I’m missing?” These are vulnerable questions to ask yourself, and even more vulnerable questions to ask someone about you, someone who knows you well and loves you. My encouragement is to step into that vulnerability and do both. When you’ve done so, know that, regardless of the answers you find, the very act of asking these questions shows a self-esteem that is able to take risks, which is essential for growth and sanctification. This might just be the beginning of your journey toward accurate self-esteem, but you’re heading in the right direction.