Understanding Self-Esteem
Photo courtesy of Magnific.
We often use the words self-esteem and confidence interchangeably, but they are not quite the same thing. Confidence is our belief in our ability to do something specific (give a presentation, learn a new skill, parent our children, or handle a difficult conversation). Self-esteem, however, involves how we view and evaluate ourselves as a whole. This includes the good, the difficult, the strengths, the weaknesses, the successes, and the mistakes. As such, while confidence can change depending on the situation, self-esteem influences the way we understand who we are.
How Does Self-Esteem Develop?
Our view of ourselves does not develop in isolation. It is shaped over time by our experiences, relationships, and the meaning we make of those experiences.
For many people, some of the earliest influences come from family. The way caregivers speak to us, respond to our mistakes, acknowledge our accomplishments, and communicate expectations can influence the beliefs we develop about ourselves. As we grow, those beliefs can also be shaped by teachers, coaches, friends, classmates, romantic partners, coworkers, and other significant people in our lives.
Criticism can have an impact, particularly when it becomes connected to our identity. There is a difference between hearing, “You made a mistake on this assignment,” and repeatedly receiving messages that suggest, “You are not capable.” Likewise, rejection can affect the way we see ourselves. A child who is excluded on the playground, a teenager who is rejected by a friend, or an adult who experiences romantic rejection may begin to wonder whether the experience says something about who they are.
Our accomplishments can also influence self-esteem. Successfully reaching a goal, learning something new, receiving recognition, or persevering through something difficult can contribute to a more positive view of ourselves. At the same time, repeated experiences of struggling or falling short can sometimes lead us to question our capabilities in the first place.
When Comparison Becomes the Measuring Stick
Most of us have heard the phrase, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” It can also be a thief of healthy self-esteem. Comparison is especially difficult when we use someone else’s life as the standard by which we evaluate our own, turning into a series of questions: Why don’t I have what they have? What is wrong with me? Why am I not further along? What does their success say about me?
The problem with comparison is not simply that we notice someone else’s strengths. The problem occurs when someone else’s strengths become evidence that we are lacking. Someone else’s success, beauty, relationship, or accomplishment does not make you less successful, attractive, lovable, or accomplished. Healthy self-esteem allows us to recognize what we admire in other people without turning that admiration into an indictment against ourselves.
When Other People’s Opinions Become Our Mirror
Another challenge occurs when our sense of self becomes heavily dependent on what other people think about us. When this happens, our emotional state can begin to rise and fall based on other people’s responses. This can lead to people-pleasing, difficulty setting boundaries, excessive reassurance-seeking, or constantly monitoring how others respond to us.
Other people’s opinions can certainly provide useful information. We should be willing to consider feedback and take responsibility when we have hurt someone or made a mistake. But feedback and identity are not the same thing.
“I made a poor decision” is different from “I am a bad person.”
“I handled that conversation poorly” is different from “I am terrible at relationships.”
“I was rejected” is different from “I am unlovable.”
Learning to separate what we do from who we are is an important part of developing healthier self-esteem.
Self-Esteem, Self-Worth, and Faith
For Christians, the conversation about self-esteem can become even more meaningful when we distinguish self-esteem from self-worth. Self-esteem can fluctuate because it really is based on the narratives we tell ourselves about ourselves. Our worth, however, does not have to fluctuate. Scripture reminds us that we are created intentionally and in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). Ephesians 2:10 describes us as God’s workmanship, created with purpose. Romans 8:38–39 reminds us that nothing can separate us from the love of God.
These truths do not mean Christians will never struggle with insecurity, comparison, rejection, or negative self-talk. Knowing what Scripture says about us and emotionally believing those truths are not always the same thing. But that is why developing healthier self-esteem is beneficial to both our emotional and spiritual growth.
Building a Healthier View of Yourself
Developing healthier self-esteem is not about convincing yourself that you are perfect. It is about developing a more honest, balanced, and compassionate view of yourself.
That can begin with a few intentional practices:
Pay attention to your self-talk. Notice the way you speak to yourself when you make a mistake. Would you speak to someone you love the same way?
Separate your behavior from your identity. You may have made a mistake, but you are not your mistake.
Challenge comparison. Notice when you are using someone else’s life as evidence that you are falling behind.
Learn to accept compliments. You do not have to immediately explain away every positive thing someone says about you.
Practice healthy boundaries. Saying no, expressing your needs, or allowing someone to be disappointed with you does not make you selfish or unlovable.
Allow yourself to grow. Self-esteem does not require perfection. It requires the willingness to recognize where you are, accept where you need to grow, and believe that growth is possible.
Build self-trust. Following through on small commitments to yourself can help you develop confidence in your ability to handle life’s challenges.
Most importantly, remember that your value is not something you have to continually earn.
A healthier sense of self begins when we can look honestly at both our strengths and our weaknesses without allowing either one to define our entire identity. We can take responsibility for our choices while extending ourselves grace. We can acknowledge our accomplishments without making them the foundation of our worth. And as Christians, we can continue learning to see ourselves through the truth of who God says we are rather than allowing every success, failure, rejection, or comparison to determine our value.
Your circumstances may change. Your accomplishments may change. Other people’s opinions may change. But your self-esteem does not have to change with them.