How to Get Far, Far Away From Self-Loathing

All relationships take work, but there is one relationship many of us simply ignore and neglect—the relationship we have with ourselves. 

What does it mean to have a relationship with oneself? Your relationship with yourself consists of how you view and communicate with yourself. These two elements are interrelated—how you view yourself is foundational to how you talk to yourself. Take the time to notice your thoughts about yourself, and you may realize that, like many people, you do not view yourself with a generally positive regard. 

Cognitive Distortions and Self-Loathing

What kind of thoughts go through your head regularly? Some negative thoughts sound like, “Ugh, you are so dumb! Why did you say that?” Or you might think, “You are so embarrassing. I’m never speaking up again!”

These thoughts are called “cognitive distortions.” There are several of these types of thoughts that you may have on a regular basis—here’s a list of common cognitive distortions. Have you experienced any of these thinking patterns? 

If you can relate to several of the cognitive distortions, and if you speak to yourself in a consistently negative and distorted manner, you may be at the point of self-loathing. Self-loathing, or self-hatred, is an extreme and sustained form of criticizing oneself. Basically, you do not like yourself. 

How Does One Get to a Point of Self-Loathing?

Self-loathing develops over time. It's typically triggered by a combination of more than one factor, such as past trauma, perfectionism, false expectations, social comparisons, and several learned behaviors. Self-criticism is the constant self-talk in a person who loathes themselves. When you hate yourself, you have a destructive relationship with yourself.

The Cost of Self-Hatred 

Unfortunately, self-hatred affects and influences many aspects of daily living, including quality of life. Self-hatred can prevent you from making important decisions, taking risks, connecting with others, and achieving goals—all of which are important to healthy and fulfilling living. Left unaddressed, it can also lead to destructive behaviors that negatively impact you and those around you. Overall, self-hatred has drastic negative consequences. 

Hope For Changing Patterns

Thankfully, there is hope to change how you view yourself! Yet, this will take some time. It’s like letting your car’s gas tank get extremely close to empty—you will spend a longer time at the gas station because it takes more time to fuel your car.

To combat self-loathing, you need to begin practicing self-compassion. It will take some time for you to believe your self-compassionate thoughts because, at first, they might seem unbelievable and foreign. Patience is key, especially in the beginning.

Here are some tips to get you far, far away from self-loathing to a more self-compassionate mindset:

1. Start Small

Identify one or two unkind things you say to yourself. Then, counter them.

For example, if you notice telling yourself, “I’m a loser,” you can identify this particular thought as the cognitive distortion known as “labeling.” A good counter might be to write down or tell yourself, “Not all of me is a loser, and I can’t be a loser 100% of the time. Sometimes, I do not win at things in life, but that does not mean all of me is losing at everything in life.” This is a small start to interacting with yourself in more compassionate ways.

2. Use “Even though, Nevertheless” Statements.

These statements are helpful because they meet you where you are at. Here is an example: “Even though I feel worthless, nevertheless, my feelings are not facts. This feeling will pass.” They are not shiny plastic statements that are too unrealistic to believe—they are grounded and real.

3. Attempt to Accept Compliments From Others.

When someone says something kind about you, simply say, “Thank you.” It may be challenging to not deflect or dismiss at first, but keep on practicing, and soon you’ll be a pro at accepting compliments. And they will actually feel good to receive.

4. Write Down Your Strengths.

It’s helpful to name and see your strengths written down. If this is too difficult, try writing “sometimes” in front of those strengths. If you cannot think of any strengths, look at this list for ideas. For example, “Sometimes I can be generous.”

5. Practice Self-Forgiveness.

Yes, practice—your thoughts will not be perfectly kind, and some days will be easier than others. You cannot be perfect, yet that is actually quite freeing. Forgiveness is a form of acceptance. When you can extend yourself grace and give yourself the freedom to make mistakes, you are accepting yourself. A helpful statement to accept mistakes can be, “Life is a learning experience.” 

You Eventually Will Arrive at Self-Compassion

You are allowed to get frustrated with yourself at times, but that is different than constantly thinking lowly about yourself and your actions. Our goal is to become more consistent in speaking to yourself kindly and compassionately, which will eventually override the self-loathing thoughts that will never help you.

Here’s to taking steps towards self-compassion. You are worthy to speak kindly to yourself!