How I’m Dealing with Graduation Grief
"It is very weird to feel happy and sad at the same exact time.”
This was a snippet of a recent conversation with my second child, my baby and soon-to-be high school graduate. In just a matter of weeks, she’ll close the door on her childhood and open a new one to young adulthood and college—new experiences in a new place. She’s ready for a change despite the nervousness she feels.
I feel both sad and excited, too. I am so proud of her and will cheer her on as she steps out into the world. But soon, she will sleep in a room with a roommate she doesn’t yet know, many miles from home. She will leave, and I will stay behind. Oh boy.
What if It’s Not Okay?
What if we, as parents, are not okay in this season of endings and goodbyes? In my last article, I wondered, “What if it’s good?” This exercise has encouraged me many times to look forward with anticipation more than dread. But admittedly, grief sneaks in like a thief.
I had a day recently when I felt very sad. I spent the morning deep in grief, and it was immobilizing. I was mournful of moments I won’t ever relive, and I felt so strongly a desire to go back in time. Just once more, I wanted baby kisses and giggles; I wanted to put her to my cheek and breathe in the smell of baby bath and lotion. I wanted to see my little one’s arms upstretched towards me and the feeling that I could comfort merely by holding her tight, humming a lullaby in her ear. I wanted one more play date with little girls in princess dresses serving “tea” apple juice. I wanted just one more first day of school, a new backpack filled with sharpened pencils and crayons. I wanted one more art show, one more recorder concert, one more class party as a room mom with excited end-of-the-year kids. One more softball game on a beautiful spring night, sitting with our family cheering loudly and seeing the proud smile of a kid who ran the bases. One more school dance, one more holiday concert, one more school play. One more of everything.
When grief arrives, what do we do with it so that we can keep moving forward? I recently heard a quote by Gerald Burrill: "The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth." I love that. I am not in a grave, just a rut, and with some support, I can get out of a rut. So can you.
When you are in a rut, I challenge you to do a few things. It can seem like too much, and I get that. But you can do it.
Things to Do When You’re in a Rut
1. Reach out to a Friend
Text a friend. Share that you are not okay and ask him/her to pray for you. When I did this, I felt very uplifted by the words of encouragement sent to me, and I knew my Heavenly Father was listening through their words of care. Be honest with your feelings and what you need, and choose someone you know will follow through.
2. Focus On the Next Thing
Think of the next easiest thing, and do that. On my recent day of overwhelm, it meant taking a walk with my dog. I knew I would benefit from getting outside, and the hardest part would be dressing and opening the door. Once I did that, I immediately felt a bit of the weight of grief lift. On my walk, I took time to lift my head towards the sun, notice new flowers blooming, and feel the soft wind around me. It’s very much my experience, and well-researched, that both exercise and nature can boost our spirits.
3. Honor Your Grief
Do something to honor your grief. For me, that meant writing in my journal while a candle was lit, hot coffee nearby, pouring out my feelings, and letting the tears fall. For you that may mean choosing a picture you love and framing it, calling someone to share, or even having a bit of a meltdown! The important thing is to allow yourself to feel your feelings. Scrolling mindlessly on the phone or shrugging feelings away with a self-shaming, “What do I have to be sad about? I’m being ridiculous,” only invites more of a challenge. It is good to acknowledge what we’re feeling.
4. Reflect on Times You’ve Survived
Remember a time when you felt something similar, and recall to mind that you did, in fact, move on. For example, I thought back to feeling so depressed when my first daughter started middle school. Oh, it was awful! But I moved on, and from that experience, I learned I can move on again. Any feeling that I have ever had, as awful as it has felt in the moment, has, in fact, passed.
5. Do Something for Others
Do something kind. Blessing someone has the beautiful effect of blessing us!
6. Talk to a Counselor
If you realize you are feeling far into this rut and it is hard to climb out, consider seeing a therapist. There is much to be gained by sitting across from a caring person to walk with you in this season. I offer that suggestion not just as a counselor but as someone who has benefitted greatly from counseling. My therapist helped me understand myself more, and I experienced great healing and comfort.
Be Present in the Midst of the Feelings
For those of us in a season of change, these next weeks will pass by in a blur. All too soon we will be sitting on hot bleachers clapping for the new graduates. They will look to us for joy, pride, and excitement, and it is important for us to share that with them. You may feel a lot of things at once, and that is okay. Both can be true: you can be sad and happy at the same exact time. It can be true that you look forward in anticipation while looking back with longing. But remember, a rut is not a grave. God bless you in this time of goodbyes and hellos.
Resources for Parents/Guardians Facing Graduation:
A New Beginning: A Survival Guide for Parents of College Freshmen by Kaye Bernard McGarry (2001).
You’re On Your Own (But I’m Here If You Need Me): Mentoring Your Child During the College Years by Marjorie Savage (2003).
Empty Nest…Full Heart: The Journey from Home to College by Andrea Van Steenhouse (1998).
How to Survive and Thrive in an Empty Nest: Reclaiming Your Life When Your Children Have Grown by Jeanette Lauer (1999).
Letting Go: A Parent’s Guide to Understanding the College Years by Karen Levin Coburn and Madge Lawrence Treeger (2003).