Mental Health Awareness Month: Talking to Men About Mental Health
May is Mental Health Awareness Month! Each week, we’ll examine a different area of mental health and what you should know about it. First up, we’re looking at how to talk to men about mental health concerns.
Men often find it difficult to talk about mental health—for lots of good reasons. Sharing that everything’s not alright feels vulnerable, and vulnerability can be awkward and uncomfortable. And, possibly above all, men might fear that talking about it will actually make it worse.
In both my life and counseling work, I’ve heard a similar fearful rationale: “I’m struggling now, so if I focus too long on what I’m struggling with, it will pull me down for good, and everything will get worse.” I definitely see where they are coming from. Avoidance is a useful coping mechanism that allows a person to avoid a concern or danger in the short term. But ignore what’s going on inside you for too long, and you’ll almost certainly face bigger issues in the long term.
Men’s Mental Health at a Glance
Despite cultural and societal beliefs that men can “tough it out,” they face the same mental health concerns as women. It seems obvious, but it’s worth saying that men also experience depression, anxiety, panic, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, suicidal ideation, and so on. The problem is that these concerns more frequently go undiagnosed and, therefore, untreated in men (ADAA | aada.org). This means men choose (actively or passively) to suffer silently. Tragically, that silence is likely a large reason why men are four times as likely to commit suicide (NIMH | nih.gov).
How do you talk to men about what’s going on in their mental and emotional lives? Here are some suggestions:
5 Tips for Talking to Men About Mental Health
1. Windshield Time
Have you ever been on a long car ride with someone and find yourself in a deep conversation? Windshield time refers to that time when you are in one stationary position looking out at the road in front of you. It’s no surprise this is where deep conversations can ensue.
I think the most impactful part of windshield time is a shared, secondary area of focus. Instead of looking directly at each other, the people in a car are positioned to face the road ahead of them. This allows a natural way to engage one another purposefully without having to think about eye contact. Without this barrier, guards come down, pauses are less uncomfortable, and conversation is the smallest bit easier to enter into.
Windshield time isn’t bound to the car; in fact, it is anywhere there is a shared, separate area of focus. Some examples: humans throughout the ages have connected while staring at a campfire. Athletic events offer an ample three hours to sit next to someone and discuss other topics (and enjoy a hot dog). Any other ideas?
2. Shared Passive Activities
I find that men connect well while engaging in some other task or activity. Start up a task that, once you get the hang of it, can basically happen on the muscle memory, and men will be talking about their fathers in no time.
Golf is an excellent example of this. It certainly takes tons of skill and focus, but between shots or traveling to the next hole, golf is really a walk with a pal in a green area—a perfect place to get into deeper stuff.
A personal favorite form of connection is enjoying a cigar. What’s a cigar other than an opportunity to sit and breathe for an hour (excluding the adverse health effects)? In sitting down for a cigar with a friend, we enter into an experience where the passive focus is tending to the cigar (i.e., the aroma, flavor, and feel), and we are freed to more actively engage what’s been going on in life. Some of the best conversations in my personal life are accompanied by a cigar.
If cigars aren’t your thing, that’s no problem. Try a cup of coffee, a drink of choice, or even a steak or favorite meal.
3. Show Curiosity
Curiosity goes a long way, and it can actually have healing characteristics on its own. When someone veers into emotional and personal wellness territory, show curiosity about their experience.
A primary way to do this is through open-ended questions. Open-ended questions can’t be answered with a simple yes or no—they require answers that invite a person to share more about themselves.
Examples of Open-Ended Questions:
What characteristics of your job make it fulfilling to you?
What’s it like being a father? A husband?
You’re in a stressful situation—what do you do to deal with that? How is that working?
This area of life hasn’t turned out as you planned. What were you hoping for instead?
4. Embrace Awkwardness
When it comes down to it, it just might be awkward. That’s ok. Talking about emotions, vices, and negative thought patterns will likely bring up uncomfortable feelings, and maybe that doesn’t have to be a problem.
Sometimes, it’s clear that someone is not doing well. Panic, depression, addiction, and suicide are real concerns, folks. When you suspect that something severe might be going on with someone, it’s worth having an awkward, uncomfortable conversation. Awkward does not equal off-limits.
5. Be a Man
What if being vulnerable is not a weakness but a great strength? In my counseling work with men, I’ve seen tremendous courage to push through the fear and discomfort of opening up to talk about what’s going on internally. How is this not incredibly brave? Before you tell yourself, “I just need to man up and get over my (anxiety, depression, addiction, whatever),” consider what courage would actually look like. If courage looks like doing difficult things, is it easier to keep it to yourself (and likely repeat the same patterns you always have) or to talk to someone about what’s going on?
Do hard things—talk to someone about what’s going on in your head and heart.
