Forgiveness: The Transformative Choice to Heal
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“Forgiveness” is a commonly used and misunderstood word. Many confuse forgiveness with (reluctant) reconciliation, condoning the transgression, or even the simple passage of time until we forget or stop caring. However, forgiveness is more intentional and restorative than moving past or justifying hurt. Dr. Robert Enright, a clinical psychologist and pioneer of forgiveness therapy, defines the process as “a willingness to abandon one's right to resentment, negative judgment, and indifferent behavior toward one who unjustly injured us, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity, and even love toward him or her” (Enright & North, 1998). In other words, forgiveness is exchanging your right to resentment for the power of grace, making a radical shift from holding a grudge to healing your heart. Taking this definition, let’s explore how forgiveness can be a crucial part of both our spiritual and psychological healing, leading to transformation and growth.
A Privilege
Forgiveness can help us recover from interpersonal conflict and even traumatic experiences, as demonstrated by clinical research. Studies suggest that forgiveness may indirectly improve psychological health from conflictual and traumatic situations by increasing hope and reducing negative emotional states that accompany unforgiveness, such as anger, anxiety, and depression (Kim et al., 2022; Nisaret al., 2025). Forgiveness can even show effects on a physical level, as found in another study which provided evidence that areas of the brain associated with empathy, emotional regulation, and Theory of Mind (i.e. the understanding that others’ experiences and beliefs may be different than one’s own) are activated when people imagine forgiving others (Ricciardi et al., 2013). Therefore, forgiveness is not only a gift for someone else, but it is a transformation deep in our being that moves us towards healing and growth in dark times. In this way, choosing forgiveness can play a key role in helping us navigate interpersonal suffering.
A Command
For Christians, forgiveness is not a suggestion that might be a good idea for our healing; it is a command that serves as demonstrative evidence of a genuinely transformed heart for Christ. In Matthew 6:14-15, Jesus makes a firm declaration: “For if you forgive others their offenses, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don’t forgive others, your Father will not forgive your offenses.” This is not to suggest that we earn salvation by forgiving others. Rather, forgiving others exemplifies that we have replaced our human tendency towards resentment and revenge with God’s nature of compassion and love: “‘Come, let’s settle this,’ says the Lord. ‘Though your sins are scarlet, they will be as white as snow; though they are crimson red, they will be like wool’” (Isaiah 1:18). Just as God gives us mercy and compassion when we do not deserve it, part of our spiritual healing and restoration is illustrated by giving these undeserved gifts to others.
A Process
Rather than an instant and mindless decision, forgiveness is an intentional process that involves deep heart-change towards those who have offended us and the regrettable actions they chose. The nature of this work can be muddy, prolonged, and costly. In his forgiveness therapy model, Enright gives an example of steps required in the forgiveness process. Delineating these steps can be helpful in clarifying how to forgive and what changes may occur in us through this transformative process:
Uncovering - Honestly confront the offense and how it changed your life.
Think: How did this impact me emotionally, physically, behaviorally, relationally, financially, and spiritually?
Decision - Choose to stop the cycle of mistreatment, even if the pain remains.
Think: What are the risks and benefits of forgiving this person, especially in the areas that hurt the most?
Work - Understand the offender’s shared humanity without excusing their actions.
Think: What factors about the offender’s life and their situation may have contributed to their choices?
Deepening - Find meaning in your experience and appreciate how you’ve grown.
Think: How has my worldview changed, and how have the areas that were once broken by the offense been made new?
Using these steps, forgiveness can not only feel more tangible, but this clarity can also help us better recognize how the gift of forgiveness helps us heal and grow after hardship. Whether through therapy, counseling, or quiet prayer, engaging in this process can support you in reclaiming your peace and reconcile an invaluable truth when suffering: you cannot change what happened, but you can choose who you become because of it.
ReferencesKim, J. J., Payne, E. S., & Tracy, E. L. (2022). Indirect Effects of Forgiveness on Psychological Health through Anger and Hope: a Parallel Mediation Analysis. Journal of Religion and Health, 61(5), 3729–3746.
Nisar, S., Yu, L., Iftikhar, R., & Enright, R. (2025). Forgiveness therapy to build hope and reduce anxiety and depression in battered women in pakistan. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 32(3).
Ricciardi, E., Rota, G., Sani, L., Gentili, C., Gaglianese, A., Guazzelli, M., & Pietrini, P. (2013). How the brain heals emotional wounds: The functional neuroanatomy of forgiveness. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 7.
Further Reading:
For further reading on forgiveness, see these articles by other CCCRD therapists:
Participating in God’s Kingdom on Earth Through Forgiveness by James Snider
Be Not Quick to Resolve All Conflict by Frank Mancuso
Sewing Fig Leaves by Sean Kelly
Bullying: Breaking The Cycle by Sean Kelly
