Setting Boundaries: Even Christ said, “No.”
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“Boundary setting” is a phenomenon that emerged in self-help and pop culture as a relationship tool in the late 1980s. Since then, it has been a mainstay of common advice and suggestions for many relationship struggles. You may be hard-pressed to bring up a conversation about an overbearing family member or a demanding friendship without someone mentioning the idea of boundaries. Yet, if everyone is talking about it so much, you may be wondering why it needs to keep being brought up?
While people know about boundary setting as a strategy, it keeps entering into discussions because it can be markedly difficult to put into practice. Fear of how the other person may react, cultural influences, and discomfort with interrupting an established pattern are all challenges that can interfere with healthy boundary setting. There are, of course, a myriad of other barriers to boundaries, but the one that will serve as today’s discussion is guilt.
Boundaries vs. Selflessness
Much of the Christian calling can be viewed through the lens of self-sacrifice for the good of others. Christ, the greatest of role models presented to humanity, is the one who gave his life for our redemption from sin. The Apostle Paul, the most prolific author of the New Testament, gave his life to becoming a fisher of men and endured extreme persecution throughout his life. It can be easy to look at those examples and at scripture’s commands to “turn the other cheek” and fall into the idea that standing up for yourself is “un-Christian.” When you consider setting boundaries, guilt can easily find a home in your heart if you find that your answer to “What would Jesus do?” is to “suffer for others.” I have certainly found myself in that headspace. Perhaps, though, there is a more nuanced answer to that question, and looking at some examples of Christ setting boundaries for himself may speak to that nuance.
Purpose of Boundaries
Let’s look for a moment at what boundaries are. If you Google the definition of boundaries, you will likely find these two definitions listed:
“A line that marks the limits of an area; a Dividing line.”
“A limit of a subject or sphere of activity.”
Originally, the primary use case for the word “boundary” was for discussing politics, land disputes, and property. Today, one’s initial thought upon hearing the term “boundaries” is likely not in the realm of property, but that of emotions, demands, and relationships. But, though the realm of application has changed, the purpose remains the same. In the same way that you wouldn’t like your neighbor to begin farming potatoes in your front lawn, you don’t want him to treat you as his personal therapist across the fence (Wilson and Tim the Toolman Taylor stand as an exception here). Of course, with proper discussion and mutual agreement, one can gladly bear one's neighbor's burden, whether it be their heart or their root vegetables. Where boundaries come in is when the understanding is not mutual and what one person is asking is unreasonable for the other. The purpose of boundary setting is to establish what is and isn’t appropriate, regardless of the realm in which it is employed.
Christ Set Boundaries
So, how then can we learn about boundaries from Christ?
Luke 5:16 highlights a time in which Christ did not follow through with the wishes of the crowds and instead set aside time for himself to pray. He certainly could have healed many more—both medically and spiritually—in that crowd, but he chose instead to take time away. Mark 1 also includes an example of Christ taking a step back from his ministry to pray. It is notable that in these examples, Christ provides very little explanation as to why he is stepping away. In Mark’s story, the disciples seem fairly distressed, saying, “Everyone is looking for you!” but Christ simply replies with instructions for what to do next. While healthy discussion is important when setting boundaries, there are times in which the person you are setting boundaries with may not understand why you are setting the boundary, or even may feign ignorance for their gain. Christ sets an example here that others don’t need to fully understand the reasons behind our stepping away, taking time to rest, or setting a limit. I’m sure countless people were disappointed when Christ took time to pray rather than heal their infirmities, yet Christ still stepped back.
Boundary Maintenance
Lastly, while setting boundaries can be challenging, maintaining them can be even more difficult. We can be worn down over time as we strive to maintain healthy limitations, and we can be convinced to make an exception. In those moments, I would encourage that we bear in mind Matthew 5:37 and James 5:12, both of which call us to “let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes,’ and your ‘no’ be ‘no.’”
Boundary setting is a challenging task. For the Christian, it can be all the more easy to throw to the bottom of our priority list, or even to place at the top of our list of things to avoid. That said, Christ took it upon himself to set boundaries, and he is the one we hope to emulate. Consider this when guilt sets in or when you question the right and wrong of caring for yourself while there is yet ministry to be done.