What Are Love Languages?
“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou
Feeling loved is a basic human need. When we don’t feel loved there is work to be done. In my work with couples, I assist them in identifying and speaking one another’s love language to help repair their emotional connection and enhance their love sense.
What are love languages?
Love languages refer to the way love is expressed. From an early age, preferences are set for how we prefer to give and receive love. Partners tend to express love the way they are most comfortable, and they feel most loved when their partner speaks their primary love language.
Thank God for Gary Chapman, who made it easy to learn the five love languages. Let’s take a look at each one and see if you can identify yours.
Words of Affirmation
Words of affirmation come in various dialects such as compliments, kindness, gratitude, encouragement, and affection to name a few. If this is your primary love language, you feel most valued and appreciated when words of affirmation are spoken to you, and you are most likely good about affirming others. Speaking words of affirmation regularly has been shown to promote emotional connection and can improve mood, confidence, and self-esteem. Taking notice of your partner and verbalizing appreciation for them on a regular basis is one way to help keep the fire burning in your love tank.
Quality Time
Spending quality time together is recommended to help couples maintain a healthy relationship. Quality conversation is central to this love language. Chapman offers conversational tips such as maintaining eye contact, listening attentively, giving your undivided attention, listening to feelings, and paying attention to body language to optimize connection. I encourage couples to be fully present and set boundaries, such as agreeing to limit the use of devices during this time to minimize disruptions. With the potential for distractions and competing demands for our time and attention, speaking this love language has never been more challenging and requires intentionality.
Gifts
If gift-giving is your primary love language, “it’s the thought that counts.” This doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the price tag on your gift that makes you feel loved. Hand-picked flowers, baked goods, handmade crafts, and sacrificing our time and attention can be especially heartwarming to someone who speaks this love language. Gift-giving and receiving is a custom that most have come to appreciate. Likewise, in many cultures nearly all special occasions are traditionally celebrated with tangible tokens of love. Giving gifts just because might add that spark you may be missing.
Acts of Service
“Acts of service” means serving or doing something nice, helpful, or kind as an expression of love. In marriage, acts of service can simply be doing the dishes, making the bed, cooking dinner, doing the laundry, taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, grocery shopping, etc. These services can become routine and lose their heart connection over time, which could lead to discontentment if this is your primary love language. Other gestures like helping with a project, servicing your partner’s car, or making your partner’s favorite dish can make them feel special and loved. Most couples start out doing acts of service like these during their courtship but not so much during the marriage. If “acts of service” is your preferred love language, it may become necessary for you to explore and request what you desire from your partner in order to feel more loved.
Physical Touch
Some people feel most loved through physical touch. If physical touch is your primary love language, you may find kisses, hugs, back or shoulder rubs, caresses, holding hands, cuddling on the couch, and sex with your partner help you feel most loved and connected to them. Partners who speak this love language need regular physical contact with their partner and feel unloved when this need is unmet.
What is your love language?
Now it's your turn. How do you prefer to give and receive love? What is your love language? Once you identify it, see if your partner agrees. Next, explore your partner’s love language. It’s a worthwhile endeavor to learn and intentionally speak your partner’s primary love language regularly. Discussing this promotes emotional connection, intimacy, and vitality in your marriage.
Chapman, G. D. (2015). The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. Northfield Publishing.