Relationships 201
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“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” - Maya Angelou
Think for a moment about the close relationships you have in your life, or the people you like being around. How do they make you feel? How do they make you feel about yourself? Not how do you feel about them, but how do you feel about yourself after having spent time with them? It’s an interesting question, isn’t it? As you think about this, who comes to mind?
Several months ago, my church community lost a beloved member named Marshall. He was a loving father, husband, devoted employee, servant of the Lord and helper to many. At his memorial service, a friend reflected on the thought that Marshall simply gifted others with positive feelings of self when they spent time with him. I thought of the many times in the church entryway that he gave me a hug and asked me about my mothering or my work. He was always interested, always had an encouraging word, and often gave praise for what he saw in me as my gifts and abilities. He made me feel like I was interesting, talented, worthwhile. Talking to Marshall made me feel better about myself. I hope I gifted him with the same.
How We Affect Others
In our close relationships, this should be a goal we have. Our loved ones should feel that we think they are amazing. After spending time together, our loved ones should leave our presence feeling seen, loved, and uplifted. Now of course, real life happens—relationships are hard and sometimes quite messy—but it is worth taking a long, hard look at ourselves and how we treat those we cherish. Insight into this can allow us to change if change is needed in order to fulfill the value of loving others well.
Learning From Our Own Mistakes
Many years ago, my daughter and I often had words about her schoolwork when she got home from school. She has always been bright, and I felt at the time that she could do better than the grades she was earning. One day she confessed to me, though, that she felt anxious coming home to me after school, not knowing how our afternoon would play out if I had gone on the parent portal and learned of a poor grade or an assignment submitted late. This was heartbreaking to me. In my eyes, her worth is not tied to her grades, but my timing in discussing them was making her feel like that’s what I valued. And it was having a cost to our relationship that I was not willing to pay any longer. I asked for forgiveness, and we agreed to talk about grades once per week. This experience has served as a reminder to me in various ways in several of my relationships. Do my words and actions match what I value? How am I impacting others with my presence? Do they feel uplifted and encouraged about who they are after having spent time with me?
Learning From Others
Taking an inventory of our relationships and who we are to others is a worthwhile pursuit. It can help us grow or repair relationships that we want to see thrive, and it can help us learn from others who do it well. As you take a deeper look, wonder about whom you naturally long to spend time with, and what it is about them that inspires you to seek them out. Are there things there that you could practice in your own life?
Finally, whether you’re doing it for self-reflection or not, be intentional about scheduling time with those loved ones...time that is not rushed and can be savored. In doing so, you will feel God’s love for you through them, and you will have the opportunity to share that same love in return.