Family Systems Theory: Differentiation
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Babies enter the world with little awareness, completely dependent on their caregivers. They don’t grasp the concept of being a person apart from their caregivers until around 6-9 months. As one goes through the process of growing and developing throughout the lifespan, part of this includes the ability to come into one’s unique self, of becoming an individual. A fancy term for this process is differentiation. In family systems theory, differentiation is the ability to think and act on your own behalf while staying connected with others in the family. In other words, it means developing a strong sense of self that can withstand life’s challenges.
To Be Differentiated
Although differentiation begins in childhood, the impact of it (or the impact of the lack of it) goes far beyond adolescence. Someone who is differentiated from their family of origin is able to make decisions based on their own personal values and beliefs despite family influences. A common example of this is pursuing your dream of becoming a teacher even though your parents pressure you to study law like they did. It’s choosing your path based on your unique gifts and desires, and believing you have the competence to do so.
Having healthy differentiation also means being okay with people being disappointed by your choices. If one’s self and worth are not tied up in other people’s opinions, it enables one to make one’s own choices with confidence and still remain connected to those who disagree. People who are differentiated tend to feel comfortable expressing their emotions, needs, and opinions respectfully even amid opposition. They are steady and stable, and can handle conflict without becoming overwhelmed by emotion. They have a sense of dependence on others that is realistic.
To Be Undifferentiated
Undifferentiated people, on the other hand, metaphorically haven’t “left the nest.” Mentally and emotionally, they are still entrenched in the family’s processes and are highly influenced by its values, opinions, and patterns. Common themes include guilt, shame, control, manipulation, and the desire to please or appease in order to maintain connection. These dynamics show up between parent and child, husband and wife, and siblings. People who come from families that are enmeshed like this often experience a lot of anxiety and self-doubt, making decisions based on how everyone else feels and whether or not people will approve. Undifferentiated people struggle with feeling flooded by emotions during conflict and are driven by keeping the peace or doing what’s expected of them in order to avoid feeling relational tension.
An Example of Enmeshment
Picture this scenario: Dad comes home from work in a bad mood. The whole tone of the house changes from light and fun to tense and quiet. Going off of what usually happens when Dad comes home in a bad mood, the family braces for impact. They know there will be punishment or at least scolding when he finds out the chores and homework aren’t done yet. One of the children scurries to their room to get out of the line of fire. Another child greets Dad and attempts to calm him by asking him how his day went. Mom gets up and tries to look busy. Every member of the family is impacted by Dad’s emotions and they each attempt to ease the tension in different ways. They have difficulty separating Dad’s bad day from their own emotions. They alter their behavior out of fear, guilt, or shame in order to appease him. If this happens frequently, children might falsely believe it’s their responsibility to manage Dad’s emotions for him, and Mom enables this by going along and not addressing it. The focus shifts to accommodating the parent who can’t control their emotions.
Differentiation Affects One’s Future
This is just one day in the life of an enmeshed family, but the patterns learned here set individuals up to think and react this way when they encounter similar situations in the world as adults. As family systems theory explains, children develop and learn how to interact and behave from their families while very young. The family serves as a microcosm of the world, and these learned patterns are often applied to interactions and relationships outside the family—school, work, friendships, etc. These early influences have a strong pull, and they continue to exist long after adult children have moved out and started families of their own. Children that grow up in a family that does not allow for them to be who they truly are as an individual learn that it’s not relationally safe to express their needs, wants, or uniqueness, lest they lose connection (understood by a child as Mom and Dad being pleased with you.)
Family and upbringing have a significant impact on our relationships and mental health as adults. While negative dynamics can be learned and passed down through generations, the good news is that they don’t have to be. Creating and keeping healthy boundaries, pursuing your interests and goals, and prioritizing self-care are a few ways to begin to differentiate, regardless of your age or role in your family. It takes a lot of effort to discontinue harmful family patterns, but it’s worth the work.