Empty Nest Check-in: Relationship 401K
Photo courtesy of Freepik
A year ago, I wrote about the upcoming changes in my family as my youngest daughter was graduating high school. I wondered, despite my grief and anxiety about our impending empty nest, if maybe it would be good (What if It’s Good?: Encouragement for Life’s Stages) and how to cope if maybe it wasn’t (How I’m Dealing with Graduation Grief).
An Empty Nest Impacts the Whole Family
I am ready to report on how we fared this year. CliffsNotes version: it had peaks and valleys. Our family had a relationship loss at the start of the school year, and incorporating that grief and change into what was already a big transition was pretty tough. It was challenging to be away from my girls while they navigated their feelings. Truthfully, I am still learning how to weather their emotions without taking them on as my own (“you’re only as happy as your unhappiest child,” as the old adage goes). I felt blessed to be only an hour and a half from both of them so we could visit often, though at the same time I wondered if a greater distance would allow us all the needed room to grow independently. Little did I know we would soon find out, as my younger daughter entered into the Disney College Program in January. We had never been apart like that, and, as I write this now, it’s been 12 weeks since we’ve seen her in person. Through our trials and triumphs this year, though, we have all grown a lot and I feel proud of my little family of four.
The Spouse Relationship
So this year held a lot of change for us all, but it held some particular opportunities for my relationship with my husband. We hadn’t been in our house as a childless couple since 2003! My husband and I married right out of college in 2001 and I was pregnant with our first daughter two years later when I was 23 years old. (Yes, that does seem so young now!) With our girls leaving home, my husband and I realized that most of our adult life has been spent parenting, and the time we’d spent enjoying each other as a couple had been limited to date nights and a few wonderful getaways. But apparently those date nights and getaways paid off because, turns out, we LOVED having an empty nest this past year! All my dread, worrying I would miss our girls too much and the quietness would be deafening, was unfounded. While I’m excited to have a full house again this summer, I have enjoyed the simpleness and loveliness of just being alone with my hubby. Empty nesting can be sad and lonely—I don’t want to negate what so many parents feel at the absence of their children in the home. And I certainly had days that were really hard, especially when my husband traveled for work. However, in my experience with my spouse, we were both pleasantly surprised at how wonderful it was having time together as a couple.
You Don’t Have To Wait Until The Nest Is Empty
If I could share with younger parents one thing, I’d strongly encourage you to take time with your spouse now. I know life is so busy, and expensive. But think of it like a Relationship 401k—you are investing in your future.
What does this look like tangibly?
First, if time together usually looks like watching a show at night while you both struggle to keep your eyes open, I encourage you to look at your calendar and—with intention and sacrifice—choose a day or night to go out instead. It is worth the cost of a sitter and the meal or activity, and it is worth saying no to other responsibilities. Remember, when you say yes to something, you are saying no to something (or someone) else. It will benefit you greatly in the long run if time with your spouse becomes non-negotiable.
When you’re out over tacos or burgers, do a relationship check-in. How are you feeling in your marriage? This will require both vulnerability and humility. You need to be able to both share what your needs are, and be open to receiving how you affect your spouse. This doesn’t need to be a long, drawn-out conversation, but start to get more familiar with these types of talks. Dr. John M. Gottman, a psychologist who has studied couples extensively over 50 years and written many books, calls it a State of the Union. He advises couples to conduct weekly check-ins, and this allows both partners to have the opportunity to be heard and make changes as needed.
Consider older couples in your life that you look up to. Is there a couple from church that seems to enjoy their marriage? Try soaking up their secrets. Drs Les and Leslie Parrot have made this concept into an outreach across the country in many churches, but if your church doesn’t have a marriage mentoring group, consider asking an older couple you admire to meet with you.
Have fun!!! My husband and I made a list of nearby towns we wanted to visit, and became tourists this year. We enjoyed new restaurants, walked the main streets, took pictures of beautiful scenery. We went to standup comedy shows and visited friends. We got out of our house, held hands, and acted like a couple, not just parents and housemates.
Preparing for an empty nest can start years before your last child leaves home. This includes helping your children become successful, independent adults while also focusing on your marriage. No pressure, right?! However, intentional relationship work often yields good results...much like a well-invested financial fund. May God bless your commitment and investment.