The Bridge and the Power of Perspective
When I wrote my last few articles about the empty nest phase of parenting, I was not yet in that season—I was preparing for it. As time continues to fly, here I am at the arrival gate. My girls are both now in college. I have only been an empty nester for a few weeks as of this writing, but I have learned a few things I would love to share.
Reexaming “Empty Nest”
First, I don’t think that the season I am in can correctly be called an empty nest. I have decided that a real empty nest may be when they move out as adults, their names on a lease or mortgage, and their stuff is no longer in their childhood bedrooms. They won’t live at home during summers or maybe even be able to spend holidays with us. That certainly feels empty to me in comparison to right now.
What I am experiencing is a missing of my girls, and a grief for the passing of their childhood, but I don’t feel they’re truly absent from our home yet. Perhaps the phase I am in may be more accurately described as a “bridge.” A bridge allows you to see where you came from, and towards where you are going, but you haven’t arrived yet. Driving or walking over a bridge can sometimes be scary, but the view is beautiful and an important part of the trip.
A Perspective of Acceptance
Where are you in your parenting journey and how are you feeling about it? How we feel is largely built on our perspective. Parenting is full of transitions—it is ever-changing. Sometimes those changes require a season of grieving before acclimating to the new one. Also, we can feel both at the same time: rest and joy in the current season while being wistful and sad for the one that is over. I don’t know that I’ll ever not wish to have both my little girls on my lap for a story or a lullaby, or to see them reaching their arms upward for me to pull them up on my hip for a reassuring snuggle. But to stay in a season of mourning while not also celebrating their newfound freedom as college students would be to rob us both.
How do we change perspectives from one of discomfort and loss to one of acceptance and even excitement and celebration? Here are some possibilities.
Take it Day by Day
Take life day by day instead of looking at the whole picture. I find I can make it through the day more successfully when I navigate my current steps. If I am sad, what is the next best thing to do? Can I call a friend, make care packages for my girls, take a beautiful walk? Schedule daily wins in ways that bless you. Be intentional about staying in the present with a mind of what will help you.
Identify Beliefs About Yourself
Work towards identifying and shifting your beliefs. Perspective is formed from our beliefs about ourselves, others and our environment. Dig a bit deep on this one. This can look like realizing that you hold a fear that your child will not maintain a strong relationship with you, or that the best part of your life is over, or your identity was formed in your parenting and you aren’t sure who you are now. Think about how you might dispute these beliefs, using truth and hopefulness as evidence rather than grief and anxiety.
Name Triggers and Coping Strategies
Pay attention to your triggers and form healthy coping strategies to address them. One of my friends is having a hard time with the emptiness of her grocery cart. Instead of enjoying a decreased grocery bill, it makes her incredibly sad that she is no longer filling her fridge and pantry with her kids regular foods. She has found that buying their favorites a bit at a time to either send to them or save at home for a future visit is helpful to her. Another option could be doing a grocery pick up order instead of shopping in the store, or making a meal or a food pantry gift for others to help ease the sting a bit. If your trigger is your child’s empty bedroom, close the door. If it’s the silence of the home, make a good playlist. Take time to think about how you are feeling and what could be helpful.
Look At Your Wording
Coin phrases that follow the line of thinking you want to pursue. An example of this would be “I get to” instead of “I have to” or “this is happening for me” instead of “this is happening to me.” My daughters get to attend college—this is a wonderful privilege! I get to be their support and cheerleader, and this is also a wonderful privilege. My daughters leaving our home, finding their own path, and establishing their independence is a good thing. It may not feel that way all the time, and that’s ok. Feelings are not always facts.
Press Into the Uncomfortable
Fake it until you make it. It can take a while to realize and process our feelings, and it will also take a while to shift our beliefs and perspectives. The more you press into the uncomfortable, the more you choose the next best thing, the more you talk the talk you want to incorporate into your daily life, the more of a habit that will become. That may feel unfamiliar and even fake. That’s ok too! You’ll get there.
Bumps on the Bridge
It is normal and expected for your child and you to have some growing pains in this transition. The bridge can have a few bumps, maybe even an unexpected detour, or traffic can slow down to a halt. Maybe the ride over the bridge is too fast, and you’re screaming, “Slow down!” (All of these illustrations apply to me in one way or another!) I’ve found it really useful for this ride to have a great support system. Find your people and be intentional about being with them as much as you can. Lean on your faith, and enjoy the view.
PS — I recently heard a podcast on this subject that was incredible. As I listened to it, I felt very affirmed, and I thought her advice about how to navigate this transition was so helpful. I encourage you to give it a listen!