Help! My Child Has A Phobia
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The bark of a dog, a dark room, or the sudden crack of thunder—what for one child is a fleeting moment of distress can, for another, become a source of paralyzing fear. While most children have fears, especially at various stages of development, sometimes these fears can escalate into something more significant: a phobia.
A phobia is more than just a fear. It's an intense, persistent, and often irrational fear of a specific object, situation, or activity. Unlike a typical fear, a phobia can interfere with a child's daily life, causing significant distress and leading to avoidance behaviors.
Understanding & Overcoming Phobias
In children, certain phobias are more common than others. These often relate to things they might encounter in their environment. The most prevalent childhood phobias include:
Specific Animal Phobias: Fear of dogs, spiders, snakes, or insects.
Environmental Phobias: Fear of heights, storms, or water.
Blood-Injection/Injury Phobia: An intense fear of needles, medical procedures, or the sight of blood. This one is unique as it can sometimes lead to fainting.
Situational Phobias: Fear of enclosed spaces (claustrophobia), flying, or being in a crowd.
Separation Anxiety: While not always a specific phobia, this is a related anxiety disorder where a child experiences excessive fear about being away from a primary caregiver.
Social Phobia (Social Anxiety Disorder): Fear of social situations, being judged, or performing in front of others.
As parents, it is always our first instinct to protect our children. If we sense our child is in distress, it is common for a parent to pull that child away from whatever it is that they find upsetting in order to alleviate fear. Sometimes this is appropriate, if our child is at risk of real harm or in danger, but when it comes to phobias, most of the time this knee jerk impulse is making the problem worse. When we take our child away from what they fear, we inadvertently participate in something called negative reinforcement.
The Problem with Negative Reinforcement
Negative reinforcement is the cycle by which, when anxious or fearful, we use avoidance behaviors to feel temporary relief. This sounds like a nice solution, but the problem is that when we participate in allowing our child to avoid their fear, a message is sent to their brain that they were right to be afraid and it actually increases our child’s fear.
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Here’s how it works: Your child is afraid of dogs. A dog approaches on the street and the child starts to cry. You, in an effort to comfort them and stop their distress, immediately pick them up or cross the street to avoid the dog. The crying stops, and your child feels relief. This seems helpful, but what your child's brain learns is this: "When I am scared of a dog, if I cry and get away, the fear goes away." This reinforces the avoidance behavior, making them even less likely to face their fear the next time. By allowing them to escape or avoid the phobic situation, you inadvertently teach them that avoidance is the best way to cope, which can make the phobia more entrenched over time.
Better Ways To Help
So, how can you help your child break this cycle? The goal is to help them face their fear in a gradual and supported way. This process, often referred to as “exposure therapy,” can be incredibly effective when done correctly.
Helpful Tips for Parents:
Validate, Don't Dismiss: Acknowledge your child's fear without belittling it. Say, "I know you're scared of the loud noise of the storm," instead of "Don't be silly, it's just thunder." Validating their feelings builds trust.
Gradual Exposure: Create a "fear ladder" with your child. Break down their fear into small, manageable steps. For a child with a dog phobia, the ladder might look like this:
Step 1: Look at pictures of friendly dogs.
Step 2: Watch a short, positive video of a dog.
Step 3: Stand across the street from a dog park.
Step 4: Walk past a friendly, leashed dog on the other side of the sidewalk.
Step 5: Get permission to pet a trusted family member's dog.
Stay Calm and Confident: Your reaction is key. If you are anxious, your child will sense it. Model calm behavior. Reassure them with a calm voice that they are safe and you are there to help them.
Teach Coping Skills: Give your child tools to manage their anxiety. Deep breathing exercises, prayer, or a simple mantra like "I am brave" can be powerful in the moment.
Use Positive Reinforcement: Praise and reward their efforts, no matter how small. "I'm so proud of you for looking at that picture of a dog!" or "You were so brave today!" Acknowledge their courage in facing their fears.
Seek Professional Help: If the phobia is significantly disrupting your child's life, or if you feel overwhelmed, don't hesitate to consult with a child therapist or psychologist. They can provide structured, evidence-based guidance and support for both you and your child.
Remember, helping your child overcome a phobia is not about eliminating fear entirely, but about giving them the skills and confidence to face their fears, one step at a time. It's a journey that requires patience, empathy, and a gentle hand. By guiding them away from avoidance and towards brave engagement, you're not just helping them conquer a phobia, you're teaching them a powerful lesson in resilience that will serve them for a lifetime.
Sources:
American Psychological Association. (2018). Understanding Specific Phobias.
Chorpita, B. F., & Barlow, D. H. (1998). The development of anxiety: The role of negative reinforcement in fear and avoidance. Clinical Psychology Review, 18(4), 335-349.
Kennedy, S. M., & Barlow, D. H. (2018). Mastery of Your Anxiety and Panic, Fourth Edition. Oxford University Press.
Ollendick, T. H., & King, N. J. (2004). Empirically supported treatments for children with anxiety disorders. Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology, 33(2), 297-306.