Learning to Love

Oct 1

Where did you learn that?

Do you ever notice that when you get into arguments, you experience overwhelming emotions and then end up taking actions you regret (i.e., blowing up, shutting down, saying words you can’t take back)? It can be confusing and painful to experience this pattern, and the pathway between our interactions with others and our reflexive reactions can be a mystery. Some of us recognize that these reactions probably have something to do with how we grew up, but the connection is not always obvious. Why does a disagreement with a spouse, friend, or family member trigger such intense emotions? Why do we keep replaying the same relational patterns? Research suggests that early maladaptive schemas may play a significant role in driving the negative cycles in our relationships (Karantzas et al., 2022), but there is hope for breaking those cycles.

How did it impact you?

Rooted in psychologist Jeffrey Young’s schema therapy, early maladaptive schemas (EMS) are deeply-held negative beliefs developed during childhood in response to the interactions with our parents in which key emotional needs were unmet (Emami et al., 2024). These beliefs influence how we evaluate ourselves, our relationships, and the world, creating negative patterns and themes when our relational needs are neglected. Typical EMSs include but are not limited to issues related to mistrust (“I can’t trust others to care for me”), abandonment (“Everyone I love will leave me somehow”), and defectiveness/shame (“I’m not worthy of love”). For example, a child who is constantly criticized (rather than gently corrected) for forgetting to make their bed may develop a defectiveness schema, concluding that there must be something wrong with them. This same child may later experience this schema when their spouse chides them for forgetting to wash the dishes. What seems to be a simple disagreement can feel like confirmation of their worst fear. Left unexamined, EMSs can contribute to insecure attachment styles (Simard et al., 2011), mental health challenges such as depression (Özaslan et al., 2024), and loneliness (Jalilian et al., 2023).

What can you (and faith) do about it?

One method of letting go of our maladaptive schemas is to deconstruct our negative beliefs through cognitive restructuring methods (Hall, 2026). This generally involves evaluating the evidence for the belief, developing a more balanced belief, and conducting behavioral experiments to “test” the belief. Another way to address these negative schemas is to open ourselves up to opportunities to experience a different pattern of attachment (The Attachment Project, 2021).

And along with these approaches that can help us challenge unhealthy beliefs, Christians have an additional source of healing. We are invited into a relationship with a God who perfectly meets the deepest needs that are often left unmet in our earthly relationships. Psalm 136 repeatedly exclaims that His “love endures forever,” and specifies that God “remember[s] us in our low estate” (Psalm 136:23). For the one who fears abandonment, God promises to “never leave you nor forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5). Those who carry shame discover that in Christ there is forgiveness, acceptance, and a new identity. While we may struggle to trust, we can learn that God remains faithful even when people fail.

What’s more, His faithfulness helps us have greater compassion towards our fellow image bearers, giving us the ability to face these failures while furthering relationships. Of course, this comes with risk. After all, we could suffer the same rejection and abandonment from those relationships that compelled the negative schemas to take root in our hearts growing up. But even if that happens, God’s love is not limited. Unlike human attempts at true love, God’s love "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7). Our relationship with the Lord creates a new foundation to grow and heal, and we can ultimately learn to love both ourselves and others like God does.