How Our Children’s Emotions Affect Our Own

“You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child.” Have you ever heard this sentiment? Wow, does that feel true to me. I often feel that whatever they are going through, I am going through as well. Does that sound familiar at all?  

As we continue to consider the adjustment to empty nesting, I know that not only is it a challenging transition for us as parents, but our children may be struggling as well. Whether it is living away from home for the first time and the adjustment to a new environment, trying to make new friends, managing expectations and disappointments, or juggling responsibilities of school/work/relationships… Our kids are feeling a lot of things, so we’re feeling a lot of things. 

Managing Our Own Emotions for Our Kids

Take a step back and consider this: how are we, as parents, navigating our own emotions about our children’s emotions and needs? Are we helpful? Are we making it about ourselves? Could we actually be hindering their growth by intervening? When we think about this deeply, we are not only a much better support, but it also allows us to practice faith in a real way. 

I hear you—this is sometimes easier said than done when all you want is to relieve your child of their hardship. But the Lord works through suffering, and this creates necessary growth and healing. Why would I want my girls spared of it? (Answer: because their happiness is an idol in my life). A friend recently shared something she had learned: “When I am protecting my child from hard things, I am preventing them from learning how to lean on the Lord.”

How do I serve as needed support while also letting my young adult children grow and learn? Here are some key practices that I see:

Key Practices for Letting Young Adult Children Grow:

Practice Discernment

Ask the Lord to provide discernment for when to let them sort out a challenge themselves and when to just offer a hand. How I help is as important as should I help.

I’m reminded of when I was a new college freshman. I called my mom, crying into the phone and asking her to allow me to come home. My mom lovingly but firmly told me no, that I was to stay at least for the semester and give time for me to get used to this new experience. I felt she was cold and didn’t understand! But thank God she didn’t “save” me, as I had wonderful college years that gave me a degree and lifelong friendships, and it is where I met my husband.

Speaking of my husband, I also called my mom a few weeks into my newly married life. I was venting that my new husband and I had an argument, and I wanted to come home for the weekend to clear my head. Marriage was harder than I thought! She again gently refused me and told me I needed to stay and work it out. I am grateful for her discernment and support for me while not rescuing me. 

That being said, there are some situations that warrant rescuing. Sometimes, what they are experiencing moves beyond a life transition or other trials to a more serious mental health concern such as depression or an eating disorder. There may be times when you need to pull in professional assistance.

Listen Before Giving Advice

Be careful to listen with curiosity rather than quickly giving advice. When my children share with me what they are going through, my first inclination is to tell them what I think they can/should do to fix it. Their unhappiness causes me distress, so I want to give them a solution to make us both feel better! 

I admit to you that it is really hard to witness their pain and not have a way to make it better. But it is wiser for me to let them share with me without offering solutions and ask them what they think they should do. My girls won’t want to call me if I am quick to deflect and try to fix it because their feelings make me uncomfortable. I have to be with them in their feelings, not taking them on as my own but holding their heart gently while they share all they feel. When they ask for advice, I can share suggestions that I wonder might be helpful.

Maintain a Purpose Outside of Being a Parent

If my identity is directly tied to my child, then I will certainly be impacted deeply by their challenges. It’s important that I stay plugged into God, my other relationships, and my work. My time can be spent on many other things, including self-care and pleasurable activities. This is healthy for both me and my children. It is unfair to them for me to tie my emotional well-being to their life experiences or happiness.  

God Loves Your Children Even More

Parenting young adults can feel like a guessing game and like the stakes are so high. Take a deep breath with me, and remember that God is on His throne. He loves your children, my children, even more than we do.

What seems so hard, or even unfair and unjust, may be part of His protection and provision. Stormie Omartian, author of The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children, offers much wisdom on this topic and has a “power prayer” following each chapter that encapsulates topics such as their salvation, purpose, relationships, health, and choices. I’ll leave you with one of these prayers:

“Lord, I pray You would teach me how to intercede for my adult children. Thank you that you love me and my children, and You will hear my prayers for them. Set me free from all worry and concern I have about them so I can have peace. I know You are greater than anything they face. Thank you that because Your love and power are poured out in me, my prayers for them will have power.” 

Amen.