How Do You Relate To Yourself?
What’s the quality of the relationships in your life? The members of your family, close friends near and far, associates at work or in our neighborhood, your church family… Each person has the ability to have a profound impact on how we navigate life. Likewise, we have the possibility of impacting others beyond what we often understand.
Relationships are so important that the word is in the name of our counseling group—The Center for Christian Counseling & Relationship Development. Typically, one of the first questions a therapist will ask of a new client is, “Who do you do life with? Tell me about your family and friends.” Because of the importance and impact of relationships, I welcome you to think more deeply about your circle of people.
How’s Your Relationship With Yourself?
Maybe it seems odd, but as we consider our relationships with others, we also need to examine the relationship we have with ourselves. How we relate to others is inevitably and deeply affected by how we relate to ourselves. Let’s take a look at the concepts of self-worth, self-acceptance, and self-esteem (from the APA Dictionary of Psychology).
Self-worth: “An individual’s evaluation of themself as a valuable, capable human being deserving of respect and consideration. Positive feelings of self-worth tend to be associated with a high degree of self-acceptance and self-esteem.” (APA)
Self-acceptance: “A relatively objective sense or recognition of one’s abilities and achievements, together with acknowledgment and acceptance of one’s limitations. Self-acceptance is often viewed as a major component of mental health.” (APA)
Self-esteem: “The degree to which the qualities and characteristics contained in one’s self-concept are perceived to be positive. It reflects a person’s physical self-image, view of their accomplishments and capabilities, and values and perceived success in living up to them, as well as the ways in which others view and respond to that person. The more positive the cumulative perception of these qualities and characteristics, the higher one’s self-esteem.” (APA)
There is a direct correlation between how we perceive ourselves and our mental health. To feel better, we must think better. What do you think of yourself? Do you like you? Do you treat yourself with respect and care? Do you feel worthy of the love and care given by others? Sometimes, we can flesh out these answers by taking note of how we talk to ourselves.
What Does Your Mind’s Ticker Tape Say?
News channels often show a running commentary at the bottom of the screen. I tend to think of us going through life with a sort of ticker tape running through our minds as we manage our day.
In my own therapy years ago, I came to realize that one of the first thoughts I had in the morning was shame-based talk. I also realized that one of the last thoughts I had at night was a mental review of how I spent my day, with considerable time given to all I didn’t do and what I did wrong.
Does this sound familiar to you? Understanding our thoughts will help us understand our view of ourselves. When you make a mistake, how do you speak to yourself? Are you able to offer grace or even a shrug of understanding and move on, or do you chide yourself with self-defeating words and feel lowly or discouraged?
In my journey to build a healthier self-concept, I had to learn to interrupt and dispute my automatic thoughts. I had to replace words of shame with words of acceptance, grace, and love. I realized that I was living with a verbal and emotional abuser, and that person was me! I learned that God desired for me to grow in my self-worth, and that is a work I am still navigating. It can be a tall order to unlearn years of damaging self-talk, but God’s Word is a help here. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
Take Every Thought Captive
What does it look like to take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ?
I believe this answer lies in our relationship with our Father. Understanding His heart for us, understanding His great, great love for us. Offering our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves to God and asking Him to help us in this journey, asking Him to help us interrupt the ticker tape with truth. He loves us so much, and He made us in His image.
Colossians 3:10 says, “[Put] on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.” Be prayerful throughout the day that God will alert you when your mind wanders to a known place of discouragement or negativity and deliver you back to His place of growth and freedom.
A New Experience of Relationship
Your focus on the relationship you have with yourself is worth the time and effort—after all, you spend every waking moment with yourself! In addition, your self-worth will affect the relationships you have with others. When we trust ourselves and have an understanding of self-worth built on our image in Christ, we bring that confidence and value with us into our interactions. Relationships are what matters most in life, and this includes the relationship you have with yourself.