Building a (Healthy) Relationship With Your Emotions
When we discuss emotional intelligence, the conversation inevitably turns to emotional regulation, management, and control. These phrases evoke a common theme of “dominion” and mental images of clenched fists and gritted teeth.
Instead, I’d like to shift in a different direction. Think about the tides of the sea. Fighting the tide is a losing game, but you can learn to swim among the waves. You don’t necessarily have to “control” emotions; instead, imagine developing a (healthy) relationship with them.
Relational Approach to Emotions
On the Mighty Pursuit podcast, psychologist Arianna Brandolini shared how emotions “are not always accurate to the situation at hand. They’re more information about us, how we’re doing, and what’s going on within us.” She offered the analogy of putting your kids in the car. A parent’s goal is their children’s well-being and safety, so the last thing they want to do is stuff the kids in the trunk. However, we also don’t want them to drive the car—an equally unsafe position. Buckled up in the backseat where parents can see them provides the ability to hear, acknowledge, and engage with them. That’s the safest, most accessible place.
I want you to think about your current relationship with your emotions. How do you typically respond to yourself when you notice you’re upset, sad, angry, disappointed, or other uncomfortable emotions? Are you stuffing these emotions in the trunk of your car because they’re inconvenient, confusing, or scary? Or perhaps you lean the opposite way and let your emotions take the wheel, driving you to destinations unknown.
What would it take for this relationship to change?
Acknowledgment
Our emotions need to be acknowledged. Every day, events and thoughts trigger a myriad of feelings inside. Humans aren’t inherently stoic, calm, and emotionless, as much as some may wish this was the case. Your feelings reveal your humanity and indicate you have lived a life that’s impacted you. They are information about who we are and what we’ve gone through.
Consider this analogy: if a child is crying, we want to help. We acknowledge the child’s tears and pain, and we try to figure out the source. We intervene as we’re able, or we simply comfort and allow the tears to run their course. The relationship is ultimately nurtured and valued rather than ignored and discarded. Our emotions need this same attention.
Of course, a child doesn’t receive acknowledgment only when they’re crying. Ideally, a parent will check in on their child throughout the day to see how they’re doing and spend time with them. Similarly, emotions don’t just exist in their most extreme forms. Yet, that’s often the only time we acknowledge them seriously. When our feelings present in milder forms, such as irritation, eagerness, and confusion, it’s a lot easier to address them from a sound mind and body. Waiting until emotions reach an overwhelming volume makes it much more difficult to actually engage with them. We may actually need to acknowledge emotions before they get to the point of overwhelm.
Curiosity Over Judgment
When a child comes up to you with a big feeling, you’ll probably naturally ask, “What’s wrong?” Depending on their age, they may or may not have an answer to that. But there’s a natural curiosity and desire to understand what could have possibly upset this child so much! Over time, parents who persist in curiosity will learn their kids’ patterns. They no longer need to ask why so much because they have grown attuned to what makes their kids tick.
In the same way, we can approach our feelings with curiosity instead of judgment. Instead of harshly berating yourself for feeling angry or disappointed, approach yourself with compassion and ask, “Why am I upset? Where is this feeling coming from?” Speak to yourself the same way you would speak to a young child. Compassionately learn what makes you tick, what situations hit a nerve for you, and which people bring up feelings from your past. This helps you make informed decisions for your life.
Action
Acknowledging your feelings and developing curiosity towards yourself provides all kinds of information. What action will you take with that information?
When you feel angry, that anger inside has a goal for your life in that moment. However, anger’s goal in that moment may not align with your overall goals for your life. Punching your boss who humiliated you in a meeting may meet anger’s goal, but if your goal is to be promoted in the company beyond this position, then anger may have made an unhelpful decision.
Instead, approach anger with compassion! Where is this anger coming from so strongly? Am I really angry, or am I feeling embarrassed, powerless, and demeaned? Is punching my boss the most helpful action to take here, or is there another option? What has helped me when I felt this way before? Am I missing any information that might change my response? Is my boss truly belittling me, or does he remind me of someone in my past who has hurt me?
These questions can go on and on and on. Armed with the information that you’ve reaped, you can then make a decision that’s more helpful for you. If the emotion is truly overwhelming and you don’t feel capable of making a decision yet, buy yourself some time. Take a minute to breathe and revisit later, but make sure you revisit.
How to Engage Emotions with RAIN
The RAIN resource is a helpful model that originated from meditation teacher Michele McDonald and was later developed by psychologist Tara Brach. Use this model to tune into your emotions. This can be done as a meditation on its own or as a coping skill when you’re feeling an intense emotion. Starting here, you can begin to develop a healthy relationship with your emotions instead of a controlling relationship.
R - Recognize the feelings and sensations going on inside of you at this moment. Acknowledge and name the emotions coming up for you, as few or as many as there could be.
A - Allow the feelings to be felt and to flow through you, even if it’s uncomfortable. Don’t judge the feelings or yourself; simply allow yourself to feel the emotions as they are.
I - Investigate with curiosity where the emotions could be stemming from. Ask yourself what you’re thinking and feeling in this moment, and as you approach yourself curiously, wonder at what you might need.
N - Nurture yourself and this experience. Be compassionate towards yourself, as you would with a young child. Consider what messages you would tell this crying child, and try to give those to yourself. Think about the people you love.
Conclusion
Emotions are not black and white, and there is no simple “solution” to how to live with them. People and emotions are complex, with levels. This is why it’s important to view both from a relational lens rather than a controlling one. It may feel more comfortable to feel “in control,” but that doesn’t mean you’re safe or healthy. By acknowledging what you feel and approaching it curiously, honestly, and compassionately, you arm yourself with information to make decisions that honor all parts of yourself as a parent cares for their child.