What Is Emotional Intelligence?

“Take my hands, close your eyes…now feel,” echoes the voice of Ruth Handler (played by Rhea Perlman) to Barbie (played by Margot Robbie). The doll-turned-human obeys, allowing herself to listen and experience as a series of humanity’s collective memories play and show her a small glimpse of what it’s like to be a human. A tear rolls down her cheek, and she laughs. For the first time in her existence, her experience isn’t about plastic perfection but something real. 

If you haven’t seen Barbie yet, I think it’s worth checking out simply for this scene alone. It captures so well a moment of pure feeling and experience. A moment of emotion. 

Emotions are tricky and can be hard to know what to do with, yet we all experience them. They drive us to do things we want to do, don’t want to do, and sometimes things we could never have even dreamt of doing! Emotions can be scary. Many of us spend our lives running from and stuffing our emotions because we’re terrified of what might happen if we let them free. As I write this, I recognize each sentence is one I write to myself, as I, too, have wrestled with what it means to truly feel and the often frightening reality of feeling.  

What Is Emotional Intelligence?

While emotions are a reality for every human being, we all handle them differently. We have all been taught (either explicitly or implicitly) what emotions are for, where they come from, what to do with them, and whether we are even allowed to feel. This leads to a wide variety of perspectives on emotions. No matter what your experience is, each person has a level of emotional intelligence. 

The American Psychological Association (APA) defines emotional intelligence as: “a type of intelligence that involves the ability to process emotional information and use it in reasoning and other cognitive activities.” They break it down into four skills:

• to perceive and appraise emotions accurately 

• to access and evoke emotions when they facilitate cognition 

• to comprehend emotional language and make use of emotional information 

• to regulate one’s own and others’ emotions to promote growth and well-being

Essentially, emotional intelligence is a type of intelligence. It is based on how aware you are of the feelings inside of you and others, your understanding of where these feelings come from, and your ability to choose what to do with them in a way that’s beneficial to you and others. Emotional intelligence asks, how well are you able to feel? 

What Are Emotions Anyway?

To understand emotional intelligence, we have to clarify emotions themselves. Emotions, simply put, represent some internal nerve being stepped on. They are sensations and feelings inside of us that get stirred up in reaction to thoughts, events, people, and any number of other things. Emotions are not thoughts, and thoughts are not feelings. 

When something inside of us has been touched on, and we get that deep-down feeling in response, that is an emotion. Hear a funny joke? We respond with a chuckle and a feeling of amusement. Someone criticizes something we made? Our chest caves in, our heart pounds, and we want to run as embarrassment or even shame creeps in. A lion barrels over, ready to pounce? Our legs tense up, ready to run, our mind goes blank, and our fists clench as fear washes over us. 

You’ll notice that each emotion is accompanied by bodily sensations. This is also when things start to feel scary for many of us. However, these body sensations are actually informational. The emotion is communicating to you that something inside was touched on and alerts you to respond a certain way. 

Why Is It Important to Feel?

For many, feeling your feelings sounds like the last thing you want to do. Life has never given you the luxury of stopping and letting in all of your emotions. In order to survive, you learned to push forward, to rationalize your feelings away, to run from them, to avoid feeling by numbing, to stuff emotions down, and to do everything in your power to feel in control. To feel is dangerous and risky. Inviting emotions in feels akin to jumping into the ocean without a lifeboat in sight.

For others, feeling your emotions is your reality at every moment of every day. Daily life feels like a roller coaster, and it’s all you can do to grab hold of the bar and hope to stay on the ride. On both ends of the spectrum, feeling your feelings tends to leave a bad taste in your mouth. 

Yet, the feelings persist. They demand our attention. Despite how scary or difficult emotions may be, improving one’s emotional intelligence has a lot of benefits. Here are some important things about emotions: 

1. Improve Relationships

Emotional intelligence can improve our relationships with friends and family. By gaining understanding and mastery of our emotions, we can connect more effectively with those closest to us. It helps us to be more empathetic!

2. Choose How Best to Respond

When we know what’s going on internally, we can better choose how to respond when emotions arise. When emotions are not overwhelming, we can step into them without fear of drowning. We are free to choose what to do next and how to use that energy. The emotions don’t get to call the shots. 

3. Part of Memory

Emotions are linked to memory. If you find yourself struggling to remember events in your life, it’s possible you are struggling to connect to your emotions. Connecting to what we are feeling in the present allows our brains to remember more effectively down the line. 

4. Part of Being a Person

Finally, emotions make us human! By allowing ourselves to feel and experience in the moment, we are actually allowing ourselves to be human. To be human is to feel. To block ourselves from feeling is to block ourselves from experiencing our humanity. 

Practicing the Art of Feeling

As I finish this article, I want to give you a chance to practice feeling. One of the premier ways emotions are presented is through the arts—music, painting, dance, poetry, writing, photography, and other forms of expression. A piece of art allows one to experience the feelings of its creator for a brief moment as you view a snapshot of life from their eyes. It invites feeling and vulnerability. 

Below, I have selected two poems. Read these, not as an intellectual exercise to understand the meaning or break down the words, but to listen to the feelings and sensations they evoke in you. Write down or simply experience all that comes up for you. What sensations are in your body? What emotions are triggered? What images or memories are coming to mind? Take a few moments to engage in your humanity and feel.   

"Hope" is the thing with feathers
by Emily Dickinson

“Hope” is the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -
And sore must be the storm -
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm -

I’ve heard it in the chillest land -
And on the strangest Sea -
Yet - never - in Extremity,
It asked a crumb - of me.

“Hatred”
by Gwendolyn Bennett

I shall hate you
Like a dart of singing steel
Shot through still air
At even-tide.
Or solemnly
As pines are sober
When they stand etched
Against the sky.
Hating you shall be a game
Played with cool hands
And slim fingers.
Your heart will yearn
For the lonely splendor
Of the pine tree;
While rekindled fires
In my eyes
Shall wound you like swift arrows.
Memory will lay its hands
Upon your breast
And you will understand
My hatred.