Leaning Into Discomfort

I spent about nine months of 2023 renovating an old house. One of my many tasks involved changing out all the electric switches and outlets. As I grew more competent and confident, I also grew significantly more arrogant, to the point of changing the switches without shutting off the power. I believed that I had become so adept with a screwdriver that I could avoid all the contact points that would cause trouble. And generally, I was able to. However, it wasn’t long before I accidentally brushed a contact with my screwdriver and felt the buzz of electricity shocking my fingers. But while the shock caused pain in the moment, it also had another, longer-lasting effect—my confidence and feelings of safety had significantly lessened. I became much more careful and, on more than one occasion, involuntarily jumped backward if my screwdriver even came close to touching a charged wire. I had almost instantaneously become conditioned to avoid discomfort even after the potential for it was diminished or not even present.

While not all people have the misfortune of being shocked by an electrical outlet, almost all of us get ourselves into circumstances or particular relationships from time to time that teach us to avoid discomfort. After the first “shock,” we learn to gently and carefully test for the slightest potential of discomfort and then jump back if it is present. This learned behavior keeps us safe and allows us to live our lives with less risk and potential for pain. At times, it is an important and natural human instinct. However, a consistent, habitual avoidance of discomfort limits depth in relationships and stifles our experience of the fullness of life. Our potential for growth and intimacy can be severely stunted.

Leaning Into Discomfort

There are a myriad of benefits to leaning into discomfort. It can broaden the experience of life, deepen intimacy in relationships, help overcome fears, aid in developing assertiveness, facilitate conflict resolution, and point out many other areas of growth. It can result in more confidence and courage to address concerns or try new things. However, in order to lean into discomfort, there are important points to remember: 1) you have to learn to recognize when you’re avoiding discomfort in the first place, 2) safety is still important even as you value growth, and 3) curiosity will be a better tool than judgment in this process. 

Recognizing When You are Avoiding Discomfort

At times, it will be obvious that you’re in a pattern of avoidance. Perhaps you had an argument with a friend or family member and have been avoiding them for days, weeks, months, or even years. You can remember the argument and can point exactly to the thing that caused you pain. Other times, though, it might be less apparent, particularly when avoiding discomfort has become instinctual. You might not even realize that you deliberately avoid people or places that look a certain way or produce a certain feeling in you. Recognizing these moments will require that you attend to physical sensations that you experience, which, in turn, will help you develop self-awareness. Assess yourself in the moment and consider…am I experiencing any symptoms of anxiety? Do I feel my heartbeat quickening? Are my palms getting sweaty or my face getting flushed? Are feelings of fear or panic arising? Sometimes our body will respond even while our mind represses and suppresses.

Assessing the Level of Safety

There can be great value in simply noticing and tolerating discomfort. By increasing the amount of time or the intensity that something unpleasant is experienced, you can develop resilience, strength, and courage. However, there are times when discomfort is an important indication of danger. The purpose of leaning into discomfort is not to put oneself in a dangerous situation, so take a moment to understand what is occurring and whether or not it is safe to progress.

Using Curiosity, Not Judgment

Leaning into discomfort can cause growth, but there are better and worse ways to go about it. Curiosity is a foundational tool to use if you’re seeking growth. It is through curiosity that discomfort can be recognized and understood. Ask yourself, why do I feel this way? Does this remind me of another time and place? Am I afraid of conflict or being rejected by this person? But, be sure to do this without judgment. At this point, you are simply endeavoring to understand what is occurring in the moment. There may come a time for a more active critique of your experience, but this cannot be optimally done without first understanding what is occurring. Leaning into discomfort provides opportunities to explore the meaning underlying experience. The result is greater understanding of self and the patterns of thought, behavior, and emotion that have developed throughout a lifetime.

What Happens if We Don’t Lean In?

The notion of embracing discomfort may seem like a nonsensical proposition. Why would anyone want to leave the safety and comfort of avoidance to expose themselves to hardship and unpleasant emotion? After all, out of sight, out of mind, right? Unfortunately, unresolved conflict and unaddressed anxiety does not tend to dissipate. Rather, it festers and reemerges later (often in an exaggerated manner). Further, avoiding discomfort denies us opportunities for growth, experience, and, often, the opportunity to pursue God’s purposes in our lives. 

Following Those Who’ve Leaned In

Almost 2000 years ago, the Apostle Peter avoided his discomfort by denying that he even knew Christ. Even earlier, Jonah avoided his discomfort by fleeing when God called him to bring a message to Nineveh. But we also see scriptural examples of people leaning into discomfort. Paul and Silas wonderfully did this by “praying and singing hymns to God” while in the stocks in a Roman prison (Acts 16:24-25). And the ultimate example of leaning into discomfort is Jesus Christ himself. Matthew 26:39 tells us that, as he faced the reality of his death and suffering, Jesus “fell on His face, and prayed, saying, ‘O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.’” Unlike Jesus, we often see the cup before us and find ways to pour its contents on the ground out of a fear of disrupting our lives of comfort. Our reaction can be defensive, avoidant, stifling, and paralyzing, ultimately denying ourselves access to the richness of a relationship and experience with God, ourselves, and the world that such a cup could bring.

So, what discomfort are you avoiding? Perhaps a difficult conversation with your partner, parent, child, or friend? Maybe you’re struggling with doing the right thing in the face of adversity. Or perhaps you’re simply avoiding potential opportunities and experiences that would take you out of your comfort zone. No matter what it is, I encourage you to carefully consider how this avoidance could be limiting your life, and then I encourage you to lean in.