Where Did My Little Girl Go?
By Brynn Gutelius
Do you have a teen or tween in your house? Do you sometimes wonder how you both will get through these years (and still like each other in the end)? I am here to tell you that you will get through it, you can go from just surviving to living with peace and purpose, and it is normal and healthy to grieve the change from parenting a child to a teen.
I have 2 girls, ages 18 and 16. When my oldest transitioned from elementary to middle school, I felt like someone died. Yes, it was that intense. Where was my sweet little girl who loved spending time with me? I felt like she was replaced by a surly, sad adolescent who barely wanted anything to do with me or our family. One night, after a terribly frustrating exchange, I shouted through tears, “Who ARE you?! Please, I just want my little girl back!” It was a dagger to my heart when my daughter said she was gone.
I think back now on that night and wish I could just hit the pause button. We were both going through something hard and new, and I was in a whirlwind of confusion, chaos, and crying. And that was just me—I’m embarrassed to say I was pretty focused on my own experience instead of trying to understand what she was going through.
That brings me to a few of my suggestions in parenting teens while saving your sanity.
Mourn for what was, embrace what is.
It is natural to miss something we once held dear. Holding a little hand, singing lullabies, feeling an effortless ease when talking with your child. The teen years can feel like a stark contrast. Missing those younger years just means you really enjoyed them, even through the difficult parts. Take a moment to acknowledge your feelings. Then, dust yourself off with the confidence that this season too holds blessings beyond what you might see right now.
Before you can love your teen well, you need to find ways to feel supported.
Stay connected with other parents, plug into Bible and book studies, listen to podcasts. Eat well, exercise, get fresh air, get proper sleep, date your spouse. All easy to say and hard to do, right? But I am convinced that when our needs and longings are met—when we do our best to live a healthy life ourselves—we are better able to withstand the challenges before us in parenting.
Driving your child and their friends to their activities is a good way to get the scoop.
Wasn’t it just yesterday you had a sweet little one, arms wrapped around your neck as she chatted on and on about something, and begged for one more lullaby or story? Now you have a teen who has the music playing so loud in their earpods they can’t hear you practically banging down the door telling them it’s time for dinner. When they do come to the table, begrudgingly, short answers to your questions like “fine” and “I don’t know” can leave you feeling annoyed, even sad at their lack of communication.
I have found that acting as a chauffeur for my teens and their friends serves as some kind of magical blip in time where your teen may share more. Perhaps it’s the lack of eye contact or the half-attention as you drive that makes them feel more comfortable “spilling the tea.” (By the way, that phrase is current slang for “tell-all,” but it’s not cool for Moms to say it. The look my teen gave me was confirmation of that fact.)
Be a cheerleader for your teen.
Do things that show you are the first one to walk in their parade, that you lead the pack. Show up front and center to everything they have going on, whenever possible. This will allow you to feel closer to your child as well as demonstrate to them without words that you are proud of them.
Figure out their natural strengths and abilities.
Poor self-esteem often accompanies these years, and sometimes teens will even stop activities they once loved, not feeling good enough or fearing making a mistake. Recognize your teen’s talents and try hard to foster them. If your teen doesn’t believe you, ask a trusted teacher, friend, or pastor to join in your efforts to encourage.
Biting your tongue.
Before commenting with an unfavorable opinion on their clothes, room decorations, makeup, etc., ask yourself if it truly matters. The teen years are a time of experimentation and discovery, and some of this is completely innocent and causes no harm. Your comment can often be taken as personal ridicule, creating a disconnect between you and your child where they feel judged. You want to save up these comments for when you need to make an impact and work with them on a better choice, such as saying no or not yet to substances and sex.
Carve out family time.
Keep up traditions. Praying before they leave for school, even if met with deep sighs, is still meaningful. Family dinners, car rides to see Christmas lights, visiting the grandparents. Their memories of growing up will be different than the lived-out daily experience that can include lots of complaining. It’s important to take the time to go places together as a family, honor traditions, and have fun whenever possible. It may not be as easy as the younger years at first, but as the teens age, they actually can be a lot more fun.
Remember you have never parented your child at this age before, and she has never been this age before! It is certainly not easy for either of you. You are helping to mold a young person that is just a few short years from going off into the world. What an honor!
We at CCCRD are here to help when needed and pray for you during this new season of parenting.