Forgotten Vices, Forgotten Virtues: Wrath vs. Patience
Sean Kelly, LAC continues his series on the Seven Deadly Sins and their virtue counterparts. Catch up on Forgotten Vices, Forgotten Virtues: Reclaiming a Christian Tradition here.
“The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.” – 2 Peter 3:9
“But I say to you, offer no resistance to one who is evil. When someone strikes you on your right cheek, turn the other one to him as well.” – Matthew 5:39
Anger Is Good… Sometimes
Is it wrong to feel angry? It’s a difficult question. Which makes sense—anger is a difficult emotion.
We know that anger can’t always be sinful, as our Lord Himself was clearly full of anger on several occasions, and we are instructed by Paul to “be angry, and do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26).
We know that we are made in the image of God, and that every aspect of our being, including our emotions, was created good. So there must be a proper use for them. Anger must in and of itself be a good thing.
Except usually, it’s not. Our experience of anger is usually one of destruction. Our anger gets the better of us, and we say or do things we regret. People get hurt. Relationships become strained or severed. And we’re left feeling isolated, confused, and ashamed.
Sometimes, anger is good. In responding to injustice, anger can be healthy and useful. In fact, sometimes, I sit with clients and am concerned that they don’t feel angry about an injustice that has occurred. What remains in this article is not meant for those people, for those situations. Instead, I’d like to talk about the anger that we normally have to struggle against: anger that develops into wrath.
Wrath: Vengeance Is Mine
Emotions are powerful because they move us to action much more easily than our thoughts do. This is especially the case with anger. Sometimes, anger moves us to protect others or ourselves or to confront someone about an injustice with the intention of working things out. Without any of this anger, we might be tempted to sweep things under the rug.
But wrath does not exhibit this redemptive direction. While protection can help guard against future harm and loving confrontation can help restore relationships, human wrath’s goal is vengeance, punishment, and retribution—which only leads to further division.
Paul instructs us, “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord’” (Romans 12:19). Wrath, vengeance, retribution—these are very dangerous things in the hands of men. While there is certainly a place for these in a society’s justice system, the wrath in my heart seeks to take these matters into my own hands. Wrath is the heart of the vigilante who says, “Vengeance is mine.”
Who’s the Real Enemy?
Apostle Paul tells us that “we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:12). If we are to take Saint Paul seriously, then the anger that arises from injustices must be directed towards our real enemies: the demons who wage war against our souls.
Our anger must move us to action, even to battle, not against our imagined physical enemies (other human beings) but against our real, spiritual enemies. Human beings who carry out evil are like those with Stockholm syndrome—prisoners of war who have been deluded into loving their captors. We should not reserve our hate for these people; instead, they should get our prayers. This may help us understand Jesus’ call to pray for our enemies. Perhaps they are not really our enemies after all.
Patience: Suffering Long
If wrath has been nurtured and made a home in your heart, then the chief way to be rid of her is to develop patience. Patience is extremely difficult, and it’s my contention that we make far too little of it these days. This is why I want to draw your attention to an older word for patience, which gets at the supremely difficult nature of the task: longsuffering.
It is one thing to say, “Oh, you know me! I can be a little impatient!” It is quite another to say, “I need to grow to be more longsuffering.” I may find it quite easy to pray, “Lord, help me be more patient with my wife,” but to pray, “Lord, help me to suffer long with my wife,” is quite a different matter.
It’s not natural to pray for my enemies. It’s not natural to move toward suffering. These are supernatural things. We need eyes of faith to see where the battle truly lies, and we need the Spirit of Christ to move us toward patience (longsuffering is one of the fruits of the Spirit in Galatians 5).
7 Practical Ways to Grow in Patience
1. Forgive Others (Not Necessarily Reconcile)
We are called by God to forgive. Without exception. Jesus’ words on this are clear and even quite frightening: "But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" (Matthew 6:15). However, we are not always called to reconcile. Reconciling involves two parties coming together to rebuild trust and restore a relationship. This isn’t always wise, particularly if you’re opening yourself or others up to continued harm by reconciling.
Yet we are always called to forgive, to surrender our anger and bitterness toward those who have harmed us. This is not the same as making excuses for them or belittling the wrong that they have done against you. Again, this is not natural to us but supernatural, and it is done with God’s help through prayer.
2. Seek Forgiveness
If you struggle with wrath, take time to reflect on instances you have sinned against others. When we recognize how we’ve hurt others and remember that we, too, need forgiveness, it makes it that much more possible to forgive others.
3. Calm Your Body Down
You’ve likely experienced moments where your anger was so strong that you were in a physically agitated state. Reflect on your bodily experience: maybe your skin felt hot, maybe you were trembling, maybe your chest was pounding. Come up with a plan for the next time you reach that point of anger. It could be a good time for breathing exercises, grounding techniques, or to simply leave the room and go for a walk.
4. Be Slow to Speak
James tells us that we should be “slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). These often go hand in hand, and sometimes our focus needs to be first on controlling our tongue. While taking time to calm down, consider what you’re saying and what you’re hoping to achieve with your words.
5. Don’t Text When You’re Angry
This is far too common in our modern world. Rather than deal with conflict in person, we fight over text. This is very dangerous! It is far easier for me to say something cruel when I don’t have to see the hurt on the other person’s face. As a result, things can get nasty very quickly over text. Instead, consider journaling what you want to say and wait to work things out until you can meet in person, or at least until you can get on the phone.
6. Don’t Ignore the Feeling
Being patient doesn’t mean pretending that you’re not angry or ignoring the feeling. Being in denial doesn’t help in the long run. Allow yourself some space to feel what you’re feeling before surrendering the feeling to God.
7. Be Patient With Yourself
Those who are hard on themselves tend to be hard on others. Turning your wrath away from others and toward yourself doesn’t help. You are also made in God’s image and are to be treated with respect. You are not the enemy.
Behold the Man
When we look at Christ’s suffering in His passion, we see a God whom we have caused to suffer. But we also see a God who has experienced all of our sufferings. We cannot say to God, “You don’t know what it’s like to suffer in the way that I have.” This is not meant to shut us up, to dismiss our anger, but to bring redemption to it. Christ brought his divinity to bear on our suffering. When I suffer with a posture of patience, I suffer with Him, and He suffers with me.
We will have suffering in this life. No matter what. Christ does not offer us an escape from our suffering but gives us the chance to suffer with Him. So that our suffering can have purpose. So that our suffering can unite us to Him.
"In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33
