The Benefits of Assertive Communication
Everyone wants to be heard and understood. Having others see and deeply understand your way of thinking is central to strong relationships and personal mental wellness. When good communication happens, it usually feels like smooth sailing. But poor communication (or no communication) can lead to isolation, depression, low self-esteem, and loneliness.
I see this daily in my work with young adults. People-pleasing at the expense of oneself, needing to receive approval and validation from others, and low self-worth due to comparisons with others on social media—all of these hinder young people’s ability to communicate authentically, honestly, and effectively. And it’s not just young adults; it’s a human issue.
When you’re stuck in poor communication, it’s easy to give up on trying to express yourself or advocate for your needs. This breeds frustration, and before you know it you’re interacting with others in cold and aggressive ways, or you’re avoiding conflict and keeping values, opinions, and preferences to yourself. This can both hurt your relationships and hold you back from letting yourself be known.
Instead of resorting to passive-aggressive communication or avoidance, give assertiveness a try.
What is Assertiveness?
Assertive communication uses direct, respectful, kind, and honest verbal and nonverbal expression to convey an idea, feeling, or need. In short, mean what you say and say what you mean. Think about when Jesus says, “Let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one” (Matthew 5:37). Jesus seems to be emphasizing authenticity and the power to speak with intention and integrity.
How do you communicate assertively? Practice. Start communicating your basic needs in a direct and respectful manner and work your way up to the more nuanced and complex needs you have. Smaller social interactions like, “Excuse me, may we move to a corner table?” can evolve over time into more substantial assertions, like “I felt invalidated and dismissed when I brought up this concern. This affects my ability to perform my work duties effectively.”
Collaborative, consistent communication in an assertive style takes practice, and practice takes time. Practice also requires risk-taking and the initial discomfort of making new patterns.
When we do not regularly and effectively communicate our thoughts, feelings, and needs, we tend to be victims of communication pendulum swings. Frustration builds, and we swing from one extreme of passive, guarded, or silent to reactive, aggressive, harsh, and excessive. Each of these extremes has major drawbacks.
Therapy As Communication Practice
In therapy, we notice patterns of communication and explore the core beliefs that create them. We also learn skills to identify our emotions, sort through our thoughts, and express ourselves openly and effectively.
The therapy room acts like a practice ground for new ways to communicate our wants, needs, boundaries, and emotions. Learn to know what you’re feeling, find language to express it, and engage it with a person who is safe enough to listen and give feedback.
The Benefits of Assertive Communication
Assertiveness helps you express yourself clearly. What does that give you? The benefits are many.
Assertive communication promotes empathy, confidence, connection, and compassion. People who practice assertive communication will likely:
have more meaningful relationships
avoid being overlooked for job promotions
be perceived as more trustworthy and reliable
find success and respect as leaders
Within the boundaries of healthy and assertive communication, there is less misunderstanding, less assumption and speculation, and therefore less unnecessary conflict. As you “speak the truth in love,” you’ll find that it is better for those around you and yourself.
Scripture teaches us to “be slow to speak” to help us thoughtfully articulate words that convey respect and care. Notice Scripture doesn’t say “don’t speak,” which would be passive. Instead, God encourages us to be active, or assertive, as we communicate with those around us.