The Beauty of an Apology
“My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, O God, will not despise.” — Psalm 51:17
Apologies are rare. We rarely get apologies, and if we’re honest, we probably rarely give them. Admitting wrong is never easy for a multitude of reasons. Maybe we feel like hypocrites, or we don’t trust the one we have offended to forgive us or hear us. Maybe apologies confront us with our shame, and it’s too much to take. Or maybe we simply don’t believe we have anything to apologize for.
Whatever the driver of our lack of apologies, we end up in either silence or denial. We deny the pain that is present, or we grow silent and thus abandon the connection. Both inflict greater damage. This poison infects the very intimacy of a relationship, slowly but surely destroying it until no safety or trust is left.
What makes an apology so difficult to utter? Sometimes, even when we’re aware of our fault and responsibility, we can’t bring ourselves to take it further and say, openly and genuinely, “I am deeply sorry.” Guilt and shame can feel so heavy that we can’t move toward the other person to rectify the relationship. They can drive us inward and away from the person we have wronged.
What Drives You Toward Apology?
Since guilt and/or shame can drive us so far inward, we must look at what can drive us outward toward healing. To find those motivators, ask yourself these questions:
Do you want this relationship to be cured, and do you trust that the other person wants that as well?
Answering this question assures that the apology process doesn't have to be hindered by worrisome thoughts like "Is this person going to leave me?" or "Are they against me?" or "Do they really care about me?"
Can you attune to their pain and affirm it?
Answering this question shows that you can reflect on someone else and care for them above yourself.
Can you reflect on what the relationship will look like once apologies are said and forgiveness is given?
Answering this provides hope and motivation to bear with the pain and discomfort.
The Healing Capacity of Apologies
Relationships can heal. Thank goodness that God’s ability to forgive is greater than our ability to destroy. Praise God that, through Jesus, we have a new heart, even in the midst of our sinfulness, which contains His Spirit to give us the eyes and ears we need to recognize sin and repent of it! We would not be able to do so without Him.
Apologies are God’s gift that give us the opportunity to seek the health and well-being of our relationships. Since we have been chosen to be his representatives in this world, this is a spiritual muscle we need to practice exercising. We are called to love others well, and this means recognizing our capacity to hurt but also realizing that we have a Spirit-given capacity to heal.