Help! My Child Is Angry
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Just like anxiety, anger is unavoidable. As a parent of an 11 month old, I haven’t quite encountered the tantrum phase yet, but I know it is coming. Even now, my son will cry and protest when I take something from him that he shouldn’t be playing with or when it’s time for bed. I can see the power struggle beginning and in those moments I can see a bit of myself. As humans created in the image of God, we are very sensitive to injustice. So are our children. And when we perceive that something isn’t right or is unjust, feelings of anger swell up inside us almost instantly. Or, because of sin, we misperceive things as unjust when in reality we are acting out of selfishness and a desire to control.
The Bible talks about two different types of anger: righteous anger and unrighteous anger. We see throughout scripture that righteous anger is displayed as a response to sin and injustice and it seeks to heal and restore. God Himself is angered by sin and injustice and the effects they have on the world He created. Unrighteous anger, on the other hand, is displayed as a response to personal feelings and a desire for revenge. Its motivations are to hurt and to lash out. Each one of us, more than we would like to admit, falls into unrighteous anger at times. Even if it begins righteously, that anger can quickly turn sinful as we desire vengeance and to hurt whoever or whatever provoked our anger. Our children are no exception to this, and as parents it is our job to help them navigate their anger in a Christlike way.
What Parents Can Do
Knowing about the condition of the human heart and how it manifests itself in childhood is the first step. We can approach our children with grace when we understand that they are just like us, the only difference being we oftentimes have a more developed ability to control and regulate our emotions and we have more of an understanding of our heart condition. With this in mind, it is the job of the Christian parent to disciple their children, to help them to see and understand their hearts. Parents can do this in a few different ways.
Step 1 - Build the Parent-Child Bond
First, it is important to work on the parent-child relationship. Parents who prioritize quality time with their children, who take an interest in really getting to know them, who are consistently there, often have an easier time navigating tantrums and angry outbursts because they have a built-in trust with their child. If your child knows you and understands your heart toward them, it will be a lot easier to help them navigate through their desires for control or when they feel something isn’t fair or right, because they will have an understanding that you love them and aren’t seeking to keep them from happiness, fun, etc. Just like in our relationship with God, the more we know Him the greater our capacity is to trust Him.
Step 2 - Model Good Reactions
Second, we want to model appropriate ways to deal with anger-provoking situations. In your relationship with your child, you teach them best as they see you navigate through your own struggles with anger. When mom is cut off in traffic, does she scream and honk her horn, or is she able to take a big breath or say a quick prayer for peace? Our children are like sponges and they absorb everything they see us do. We won’t get very far in our discipleship if we rebuke them for yelling in anger and then turn around and do the very thing we taught them not to do. But when we inevitably fail, we also have an opportunity to model for them what genuine repentance looks like. So, either way, as our kids watch us we have a lot of opportunities to model healthy and appropriate ways to react when anger shows up in our lives.
Step 3 - Teach Coping Mechanisms
Third, we want to teach our children better ways to cope with their anger and regulate their emotions. For young children, this often looks like practicing co-regulation techniques where we help to calm down their nervous system through physical touch. One of the best ways to do this is to offer your child a tight hug for several minutes, ensuring that you yourself are calm. For older children, offering physical touch is still a great way to help, but other tools—such as breathing techniques, engaging in physical activity (even screaming into a pillow), helping them find a safe space for a time out, memorizing short liturgies, Bible verses, and prayer—can be helpful. In essence, we want to help our children learn how to cope with big feelings of anger in ways that reduce the heightened feeling and allow them to be able to process whatever it is that sparked their anger.
Step 4 - Normalize Instead of Shame
Fourth, we want to normalize feeling angry. Ephesians 4:26 says, “In your anger, do not sin.” This presupposes what was discussed earlier, that feelings of anger will happen and are not sinful but that they can quickly become so. As parents, we want to help our children differentiate between the two. We want to help them understand that while it’s ok and normal to experience anger, we must take steps to not sin in our anger. This last step really encompasses the other three steps because in order to do this we need a strong relationship with our children, we need to have proven that we can model how to react, and we need to know tools in the first place so we can pass them along.
Love Overcomes Anger
Ultimately, when our children become angry, the best thing we can do is share the gospel with them. We show them that their initial desire for justice is godly, but that oftentimes our desires are skewed by sin. We talk to them about the realities of living in a fallen world and how often we experience injustice or feel out of control. But because of Jesus, we can be set free and no longer have to be slaves to our emotions and selfish desires. We can seek new hearts with new motivations. And, in times when our anger is justified but there’s no justice in sight, we have a God who promises to make all things right one day. We remind them that even the worst tantrum or angry outbursts cannot erase the love we have for them, or, most importantly, the love that God has for them.