Faithful and Healthy Parenting
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Parents in today’s culture often believe that our children should be the light of our lives and that we should be willing to sacrifice everything for them. Yet there is a fine line between what is healthy and what is unhealthy when it comes to our parental devotion. When our identity becomes wrapped up in our children, we can lose sight of who we are as individuals.
Healthy Parent/Child Relationships
Many parents wonder what healthy attachment with their children looks like and how God wants us to nurture it. By modeling God’s love—which is unconditional, reliable, tender, and secure—we can create a parenting approach that is rooted in love. Being present in that loving way fosters healthy communication, helps children feel safe to share their needs, and builds a sense of belonging. Coupled with consistent guidance, discipline, and godly values, this approach lays a strong foundation for secure attachments and healthy relationships that last a lifetime.
Unhealthy Parent/Child Relationships
But did you know that our children can become our idols, our identities, and our accessories—even without us realizing it? Parents can become overly protective or overbearing, pouring all of our energy into perfecting and controlling the young minds and lives that God has gifted into our care. When this happens, it’s easy to lose sight of who we are apart from our children, of who our children are as individuals, and of who we all are as children of God. Here are some signs that your relationship with your child may have become unhealthy:
Your child’s schedule runs the household. When your child’s schedule takes priority over all other activities—such as caring for your home, intentional rest and vacations, personal goals and development—and creates significant challenges in your life.
Prioritizing happiness over character. When a parent focuses solely on keeping their child happy or avoiding discomfort, even if it means neglecting discipline or the responsibilities of parenting. Parents hesitate to say “no” or to set healthy boundaries because they don’t want to upset their child.
Neglecting other relationships. When parents put other important relationships on the back burner to focus on their children. This can lead to sacrificing a healthy relationship with your spouse, with your community of family and friends, and with God, leaving you feeling completely isolated and without support.
Results of Unhealthy Parenting
When a parent places their child above everything else in their life, it can lead to disappointment, resentment, spiritual emptiness, and strained relationships. Such parents may also struggle emotionally when their children leave home or begin living independently, potentially leading to periods of depression or an unhealthy overinvestment in their children’s adult lives.
For a child who becomes the center of their parent’s life, this can create immense pressure to excel, feelings of insecurity, a sense of entitlement, and even doubts about their identity and faith when they cannot live up to being idolized. These children may also develop resentment toward their parents for missing out on normal childhood experiences and the important lessons those experiences teach.
Making Change
If you’ve noticed that you’re heading down the road toward unhealthy parenting, here are a few key things that can make a big difference in the relationship you have with your child:
Prioritize Faith Practices. Continuing to maintain faith practices despite the demands of your child’s schedule will go a long way toward helping you anchor your identity in God and not in your child. Spending time in silence/prayer, growing in your knowledge and understanding of scripture, and gathering with other people for worship will continue to nourish you in a healthy way so you can meet the demands of parenting without losing yourself. Don’t worry about doing them all perfectly, just keep them in your life.
Pursue Strong Relationships with Healthy Adults. It is said that a child needs a core group of 7 nurturing adults in order to grow up strong and resilient. As a parent, the bonds you create with other adults not only support you but also provide that web of security for your child. If you’re married, your spouse is the obvious first person to intentionally maintain strong bonds with. Next, you can pursue friends and family to fill out your core group. It is normal to feel stretched for time once children show up, but keeping community in your life is a non-negotiable.
Lead and Release. Even if it causes short-term disappointment, your children will ultimately benefit and be grateful for it if you parent with good boundaries and clear expectations. Saying “no” at appropriate times and holding that line not only protects them from whatever you’re saying “no” to, it also gently enables them to learn to handle setbacks and struggles. A certain amount of failure, risk, and struggle is good; that's how people grow. And in the end, you can trust God with your child’s future instead of trying to control every aspect of it.
Parenting is hard. Parenting alone is even harder. Feeling like your parenting defines you is the hardest. But it doesn’t have to be that way. God loves you AND your child with an immeasurable, unwavering consistency, and you can rest and start over in that love. It may take time, but, with a few intentional changes, it is possible to get your parent/child relationship back on the road to health.