Marriage Maintenance While Raising Teenagers
My husband and I share a three-bed, 1.5-bath home with our 18-year-old and 16-year-old daughters. Did you catch that? We share one full (very small) bathroom with two teenage girls. To say that this has been a source of stress (and mercifully, some laughter!) over the years is an understatement. But at the end of the day, it’s a little blip compared to other challenging moments—or should I say weeks, months, years—that can happen while sharing a home and a life with teens.
How do these kids exist at all? Because two people fell in love. We often forget this. While trying to navigate the needs and schedules of children, it can be difficult to remember what brought you together and what your love felt like in those early years. Often, we are also juggling careers and older parents, serving in the church, or other community activities. Ideally, we even have hobbies and enjoy some nights out with friends once in a while, too.
Connecting to Your Spouse in the Busy Years
These years are busy! And because of that, it is so important to stay connected to your spouse while weathering the chaos and stress. After all, it will only be a few short years until the two of you wave goodbye to the kids at the door and head back inside to each other. For some, this is an exciting thought; for others, it is quite sad and worrisome. Take a moment to consider what that feels like for you. Either way, let’s consider some ways to connect with our spouses in an effort to protect and cherish our marriages.
A Few Keys to Marriage Maintenance
1. Be Intentional About Time Together
Make this a priority! Easier said than done, right? There will always be something that comes up on the calendar to void a romantic date. But little else is as important as taking time to spend with each other, just the two of you. Whether it’s once a week or once a month, take that selected date and set it aside, no matter what. Think about joining a Bible study for couples or a small group in addition to dates.
2. Practice Having Enjoyable Times Together
Have fun! You won’t look forward as much to dinner when you know you’ll talk bills and aging parents. Make a point of choosing fun activities as you did when you were dating. When you are at dinner, try to stay in the moment when you notice you slip into “shop talk.”
3. Hold Hands, Even if It’s Been a While
Sometimes, when we fall out of romance and dating, it can feel vulnerable to make that first overture. Do it anyway. Give the compliment, grab your spouse’s hand, put your arms around each other as you walk. And laugh! Get creative with your private time, for if your teens are like mine, they often stay up later than you! This may mean sometimes you have to spring for a night away or let the teens stay with friends or grandparents. It’ll be worth trying to figure out the arrangements instead of saying, “Maybe tomorrow,” when tomorrow will be just as chaotic.
4. Realize Little Eyes Are Still Watching
And I don’t mean make sure the bedroom door is locked (though that’s a good idea too 😉). What I mean is how you treat your spouse is seen by your children. How you honor your vows and your marital commitment is not just noticed but needed as a source of security. Let your teens see you put each other first. Let them see you encourage each other, defend each other, and love each other fiercely and tenderly. Your marriage is their example as they look towards their own dating relationships.
As I say that, I realize some reading this may have felt a pang there. What about hurting marriages and divorce? Realize that your children also learn from your grace, courage, redemption, and forgiveness. Showing our children a healthy marriage is just part of our example; there are certainly many wonderful lessons through struggle and loss, too.
5. Be a Team in Boundaries and Discipline
This can be hard—those teens know how to play us sometimes, am I right? But the disconnect that can happen when parents are not in agreement is profound and, ultimately, not what our teen wants or needs. Talk often and reach agreements on how to handle what is happening in your home as far as your teen's behaviors. Be a united front.
6. Practice Oneness
In preparation for this post, I talked to a colleague at CCCRD. I asked her what advice she had for marriage during her kids’ teen years, knowing that she made it to the other side and now had adult children living out of the home. She said, “We practiced never putting anything between us. Even when we had babies, the car seat wasn’t even between us. We sat next to each other. We practiced our oneness, and our kids knew it.”
I loved that. Oneness. Marriage is a beautiful gift from God—no less beautiful even if it feels overwhelming during these years full of responsibility and stress. Allow your marriage to be your haven, your landing place, your respite from the world. If it doesn’t feel that way now, that is ok and understandable.
Take time to think about what can be done in the days ahead to start to nurture your relationship. Talk to your spouse about making your marriage a priority, and together, enjoy your relationship even while parenting teenagers.