Why Talking Helps: An Invitation
By Brian Esposito, PsyD
Picture courtesy of Freepik
“Seriously? I just go blah, blah, blah, and my problems go away?” Over the past decade in practice, I have heard questions like this often when starting therapy with someone new, so I thought it would be useful to compile these simple–but admittedly sophisticated–questions in one place.
What does the Bible say about talking as a means of healing?
Scripture shows how our words can facilitate spiritual growth. Repentance of our sins, struggles, and failures creates a fertile ground for transformation. Look at the Apostle Peter’s words in Acts, “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord” (Acts 3:19).
Similarly, James 5:16 reads: “Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” Throughout that entire section of James (v. 13-18), there is emphasis on the healing power of prayer and on the healing power of sharing our struggles with one another.
Here’s a list of other scripture passages that connect talking and confession with healing and transformation: Luke 15:17-20, Luke 19:8-9, 1 Thess. 1:9, 1 John 1:0, Proverbs 28:15, and James 5:16.
What does psychology say about talking as a means of healing?
Therapists consider talking to be very important. In fact, some therapists may view your ability to talk as a sign of mental well-being.
Here is a quick overview of what many in psychology believe to be curative:
Sigmund Freud (1856-1939): Make what is unconscious conscious, through talking.
Alfred Adler (1870-1937): Overcome self-ideal progress-thwarting obstacles, through talking.
Fritz Perls (1893-1970): Foster awareness and improve self-regulation, through talking.
Carl Rogers (1902-1987): Foster congruence of the real and ideal self, through talking.
Aaron Beck (1921-2021): Address faulty or irrational automatic, intermediate, and core beliefs, through talking
Irvin Yalom (1931-current): Expand self-awareness to address critical challenges in life, through (you guessed it) talking!
In Why Talking Cures (Holmes, 2008), the author suggests that embracing and discussing hidden, difficult, and uncomfortable thoughts and feelings is closer to a healthy, mature way of being than constantly seeking happiness. While there are many other forms of therapy, each of them, at some level, requires open and honest sharing about your struggles, challenges, and ways of being.
How do I get myself to start talking?
Ask 10 therapists that question and you may get 100 answers, but there will be some consistent themes. Early in therapy, especially if you are coming in for the first time, it is important to think of talking in terms of three qualities: Acceptance, Trust, and Vulnerability.
Acceptance can also be swapped with “acknowledgement” in that you recognize something is not working the way it should be and you are ready to start making meaningful progress towards tackling it. This could be a long-standing pattern, an old feeling that keeps popping up, a theme in relationships, or something brand new. Accepting that there is an issue to address will improve the chances of successful therapy.
Trust does not mean blind trust, or that trust is present immediately. Here, trust means that you can connect with the person you are speaking with while having good reasons to think that they care about you and have the ability to help you. Trust is necessary to form any type of meaningful relationship, and your trust in your therapist will be a tremendous asset in helping you to talk.
Vulnerability, like trust, does not mean you must share your deep dark secrets, nor that you must necessarily share all of your thoughts and feelings right away. Vulnerability is the natural outgrowth of trust. With trust comes safety. With safety, the relationship invites the loosening of a once tight-clutched, guarded posture to reveal the soft, tender parts of your heart in a gradual, metered, and purposeful way.
What can I expect from talking?
A New Normal
Usually, people seek therapy with the desire to “feel better.” Who can blame them! But it can be tempting to equate “feeling better” with “progress in therapy.” For instance, many will find that they begin to “feel better” after the first handful of sessions. The fact is that talking about a stressor and feeling heard by someone else usually brings relief. So, that means therapy is working, right? Well, maybe, but there’s more to it.
As therapy progresses and early “feeling better” feelings fade, what emerges forces us to confront uncomfortable feelings that we would much rather avoid. In truth, the process of working through a hard memory, troublesome patterns in relationships, or long-standing mood-struggle seldom bring about pleasant feelings. However, the fruit of successful therapy is both relief from past hurts and something brand new—new skills for living life going forward and a new sense of peace opposite the heavy life led before.
Changes to your physical health
Books like The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk have shared with millions the very real, very important connection found in our physical experiences of psychological distress. For instance, depression alone has been linked to poorer cardiovascular health, including high blood pressure, high cholesterol levels, and an increased risk of stroke and heart attack.
Stress, particularly over time, negatively affects our physical health. The American Psychological Society outlined many ways stress can affect the body. For instance, chronic stress tends to lead to increased eating and drinking alcohol, experiencing more pain sensitivity, experiencing shortness of breath or rapid breathing, and decreased sexual desire. When you improve your psychological health you can begin to unwind the negative changes to your physical health.
Cognitive and brain changes
High levels of stress or low mood can lead to decreased performance on various cognitive tasks. This includes your memory, problem solving, future planning, and other regular functions of a healthy brain. A negative mood deflates your brain’s performance.
But there is hope, as research continues to consistently demonstrate that therapy can lead to structural changes in the brain. Therapy can enhance brain areas responsible for emotional regulation and cognitive control (prefrontal cortex) and reduce hyperactivity in regions associated with fear and stress (amygdala). This rewiring can result in long-term improvements in emotional processing and behavior.
Improved spiritual life
Often, our personal histories influence our view of religion, faith, and even our image of God. For example, experiencing one's father as overly strict or authoritarian can often lead to viewing God as legalistic, punitive, or distant. Unpacking and addressing these experiences can liberate one's spiritual life, enabling a view of God and a relationship with Him unhindered by past burdens.
Therapy can offer spiritual benefits by fostering personal growth, self-awareness, and a deeper connection to one's faith. Those in therapy often report feeling more attuned to their spiritual beliefs, which can improve their relationship with God.
Final thoughts
It is my sincere belief that we all can benefit from having someone to walk alongside us consistently during hard times. That willingness to share hurts with openness and vulnerability signals that change is near. And, for me, it is an honor and a joy to bear witness to the new life God breathes into hearts that are ready and eager to change.
There is a good reason why “Seriously? I just go blah, blah, blah, and my problems go away?” is both a simple and sophisticated question. My hope is that reading this can begin to answer that question for you, or for someone you care deeply about. So, to wrap things up: Yes! Talking really does help. And I invite you to try it for yourself.
Try reading this related post: Is Counseling Worth the Cost? (A Client’s Perspective)