How Boundaries Make Marriage Safe

Despite many forces working against healthy marriages, boundaries help couples safeguard against unnecessary harm. There can be many barriers to a harmonious union: negative generational cycles, a lack of knowledge, awareness, or experience with healthy boundaries, and more. Taking steps to establish and maintain healthy boundaries helps create a safe space for couples to love and respect one another as God intended.

What are boundaries and why are they necessary?

Boundaries are relational barriers that help to protect a person’s wellbeing by signaling when they feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Think of them as an invisible force field that detects danger in interpersonal relations. Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. John Trent in their Quick Reference Guide to Marriage & Family Counseling suggest that God uses boundaries to protect love, freedom, and responsibility in relationships. Leaving these important virtues unguarded sets a faulty foundation for marriage.  Love becomes unsafe when there are weak or non-existent boundaries in important aspects of marriage.

Here are three areas where boundaries are important:

Boundaries in communication

As the old saying goes: sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me…. Or do they? Research and experience suggest that sometimes words certainly do hurt. Due to the intimate nature of marriage, words have the power to perpetuate healthy or unhealthy patterns of interaction. In the words of King Solomon, “death and life are in the power of the tongue.” Words matter! 

Words spoken in anger are likely to be harmful. In my work with couples, I have seen the effects of ongoing negative communication. Patterns of judgmental, degrading, invalidating, or discouraging words usually lead to disconnection, defensiveness, and withdrawal. 

When trust is broken due to dishonest communication it is necessary to set a boundary that holds partners accountable to speak the truth in love. Remembering to choose words carefully and being mindful of tone promote healthy communication. Words that are uplifting rather than hurtful build up rather than tear down. Setting boundaries in communication means making a conscious decision about what is and is not acceptable communication and clearly stating those limitations to your partner when necessary. 

Physical boundaries

When people have grown up in homes where they witnessed physical violence, they may be at risk of repeating the same behavior in their own marriage if steps are not taken to avoid doing so. If you find yourself struggling to manage your anger during conflict, don’t wait until something happens that you may regret. Get help! Prevention is perhaps the best strategy for managing physical conflict. 

Some people who may have experienced abuse during childhood or in past relationships may be more sensitive to physical touch. When considering physical boundaries, with regard to sensitivity to physical touch, some questions to ask might include: 1) has permission been granted? 2) Is the touch too aggressive? 4) Does this touch lack affection? 4) Does my partner seem comfortable? 5) What do I notice about my partner's reaction? Asking questions like these might help navigate physical boundaries and open the lines of communication when a partner is uncomfortable verbalizing that a physical boundary has been crossed.

Boundaries with others

Sometimes boundaries are needed to keep partners from feeling threatened by their partner’s relationship with others. Whether it be relationships with in-laws, co-workers, buddies, ex-partners, the kids, or the next-door neighbor, most partners need to know that their spouse will respect, honor, and value them at all times. If boundaries are ineffective or there are no boundaries at all, this could open the door for inappropriate relationships. Having healthy boundaries with others can prevent infidelity and give couples the assurance they need to feel good about their partner's relationship with others.

When love is unsafe

When love is unsafe, it's time to explore where healthy boundaries are needed. When a boundary is crossed, it may be necessary to immediately call attention to what has happened, talk about it, and take steps to avoid crossing those boundaries in the future.

Additionally, a trained professional can also help couples set and work to maintain healthy boundaries to promote emotional and physical safety in their marriage. Couples counseling is a great place to begin a pathway toward healing if you are in need of assistance. Like a flower garden, love flourishes when it is firmly rooted and nurtured in a healthy environment and is protected from any potentially harmful elements. This is what healthy relational boundaries can offer.