Help! My Child Is Anxious

Anxiety is unavoidable. 

In a broken world filled with trials of all kinds, we are bound to deal with worry, fear, and dread of the unknown. As adults, we know this well, but it can be easy to forget that our children are navigating these emotions as they discover the world for the first time. 

For me, as a parent to a young child, it has been beautiful to watch my son experience the world. Watching his eyes light up as we decorated the Christmas tree or seeing him recognize Dad when he comes home from work and the grin and laughter that follow. But I’ve also witnessed the reverse—the fear in my son’s eyes as he looks around and can’t find me or the sad cries after receiving a shot from the doctor. 

It is our job as parents to protect our children, and naturally, we try to shield them from as much of the brokenness of this world as we can. But when does our desire to protect become a barrier to their growth and development? 

When our children experience anxiety, our impulse is to try to “make it all better.” We quickly rush over to provide reassurance or take them away or out of the stressful situation as quickly as possible. This is good and understandable, but it can sometimes be a problem. If we are quick to fix or rescue, we can inadvertently reinforce their fear. It can communicate that anxiety is not a feeling they can manage and that whatever they are afraid of is something they should continue to fear. 

So, how should we approach our children when they experience anxiety? Here are three things to consider when addressing our children’s anxiety. 

Three Ways to Address Children’s Anxiety

1. Psychoeducation

Why am I experiencing anxiety? Am I the only one? 

In my work as a counselor, I see a lot of children who struggle with anxiety. I almost always hear something like, “No one else at school feels this way,” or, “I’m the only one.” Providing information to our children about the universal experience of anxiety (that we all feel this way—grown-ups included!) and why we experience anxiety (to help keep us safe) can help normalize this feeling. 

I like to start with an oversimplified view of the brain. I teach children that we have three main parts of our brain: our brain stem which does all the work we don’t think about (such as breathing); our emotional brain, which creates feelings such as joy, sadness, and fear; and our thinking brain, which helps us to think logically. When we experience anxiety, our emotional brain is turned on, and our emotional brain tries to help keep us safe. God created the ability for us to become anxious as a way to protect us from danger. But sometimes, our emotional brain gets things confused, and we can think we are in danger when we really aren’t. That is what is happening when we experience the feeling of anxiety. And this is something we all experience.

2. Avoid Avoidance

We can help our children tolerate uncomfortable feelings and learn to face their fears. 

Next, after we normalize the experience of feeling anxious, we want to teach our children to avoid avoiding their emotions. Many times, because we see our children suffering, we want to take away this feeling as quickly as possible. But when we do that, as discussed earlier, we can reinforce the anxiety.

We need to teach our kids that when they experience anxiety, they can tackle the feeling head-on rather than avoiding it or pretending it isn’t there. Instead, we can help them feel equipped to manage it. This means we help our kids acknowledge the reality of what is scaring them while at the same time helping them take steps to face those fears. This creates resiliency and teaches our children that the next time they face a fear, they don’t have to run away—they can process their emotion and face that fear. They learn they can “do it scared.” 

3. Model Emotional Regulation

We can show our children how a person can process emotion and find calm.

A great way to help our children through this process is to model it effectively ourselves. Parents want to be strong for their children, but sometimes this can be a mistake. Our children need to know that we have the same worries that they do, and we need to model healthy ways to cope when we do worry. This can look like acknowledging moments of our own worry, while we practice out loud how to cope. 

Here’s an example: “Mommy has been feeling worried about a presentation at work she has this week. She sometimes feels afraid when she has to give a speech. Have you ever felt this way? Well, because Mom has been feeling this way, she has been taking some big deep breaths and saying a prayer when the feeling comes. She has also been reminding herself that even though it’s ok to feel afraid, she knows she will do her best. Another thing that mom has been doing is reminding herself of moments in the past when she has felt this way about a presentation, how she was able to overcome that feeling, and ended up giving a great presentation.” 

When our children understand that not only is anxiety universal, but Mom and Dad (their superheroes!) experience this same feeling, it can make a big difference. And when they see their parents tackling scary situations head-on, it gives them the ability to do the same thing. 

Raising Resilient Children

We cannot keep our children in a bubble, as much as we would like to. Instead, we need to help our children navigate the difficulties they are bound to experience. The goal of a parent is not to raise a child who has never experienced fear, doubt, or pain but to raise a resilient and self-confident child who knows how to navigate the world. 

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind"  — 2 Timothy 1:7.