The Healing Power of Friendship in Times of Grief

“Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joys, and dividing our grief.” — Marcus Tullius Cicero 

Recently, Lauren reflected on the joy of exchanging friendship bracelets, Taylor Swift style. It brought to mind the sweet acts of kindness I’ve received and what I find enjoyable to do for others. 

But what do we do when something bad happens, and we have no idea how to help? Many times, catastrophic circumstances or loss may cause us to shy away from doing anything beyond extending our prayers. We have no idea what to do or say.

But today, I would love to share a personal story of loss and a couple of ways I first learned from my friends and family about how to care for others in times of need.

My Own Experience of Grief

Twenty-five years ago, my dad died. It was unexpected—just a random Tuesday. I was 19 years old, away at college, and a call before dawn woke me. My mom told me I had to come home; something happened with my dad, and it was serious. As she spoke, my roommate could see I was scared and upset, trying to understand what was going on. That’s where we get our first tip:

Silent and Spoken Prayers in the Moment

My sweet roomie immediately began praying silently as she helped me pack some things. My mom told me to ask a friend to drive me home. College wasn’t far, about an hour and a half, but I had a stick shift car. I called my friend who also drove stick and she showed me the second tip:

Creative, Practical Ways to Help

My friend said yes to driving me home without hesitation. When we arrived at my house, I was told my dad had died. I think now of my young friend and how she must have felt in that situation. I am so thankful she said yes, not just to that car ride, but to being my friend in the days ahead, for it is hard to be in the presence of grief. 

Persistent, Kind Presence 

My mom, brother, and I survived that first week and so many after because of the love from friends and family. My college friends came that day and stayed for the week. Sleeping on couches and floors, they brought such warmth and love to us as we bumbled in shock through making plans. My mom's friends and neighbors were there from the first moments they heard he passed, helping in any way needed. These friends showed me the next tip:

Assisting in the Practical (Food, Laundry, and Organization, to Name a Few)

Friends bought groceries and did laundry without asking. A neighbor we barely knew made the biggest lasagna we’d ever seen that my mom still talks of. Church friends organized a reception following the funeral. My mom's siblings and friends carried her emotionally so I didn’t have to, and my dad’s brothers assured her they’d help with all of the paperwork and details of my dad’s business and legal matters.

Show Love in a Ways Specific to You and the Recipient

Each person who came alongside us during that time and the months (years!) that followed loved us in a way we so desperately needed. We didn’t know how to ask, and we wouldn’t have. But we needed their gentleness, love, and strength, sometimes more than air. They didn’t speak platitudes or quote Scripture… if they did, I don’t remember that. I remember the acts of love.

Sitting in the Silence 

When faced with an opportunity to show up for someone who is hurting, don’t concern yourself with what you will do or say. Just show up, and keep showing up. Your presence alone is the gift. Your willingness to sit with suffering without making it better—because you can’t—is powerful. I know it can be awkward and uncomfortable, but it is discomfort worth enduring.

One of my college friends did this well. He had no idea what to say to me after my dad died. He spoke the least, which is interesting because he is very extroverted, often talking and laughing. But he just had no idea what to say, so he didn’t say anything. I remember at the church reception, he came to sit next to me and offered me tea, the only thing I could stomach that week. He sat without needing anything from me and allowed us to sit in silence. In the weeks following, he kept showing up without needing me to talk. So we’d watch a movie or take a walk, and I felt allowed to just be myself. I didn’t owe him small talk or forced interest in his life, I didn’t have to smile, and I didn’t have to cry. I began to long to be around him, this active, energetic, fun person who somehow was able to just simply be with me. His presence alone, and his willingness to be uncomfortable, was healing to me. He didn’t bring me anything but himself. (Yes, I ended up marrying him).  

Grief Is Not Linear

Grief doesn’t follow a schedule and life changes for a long time after someone loses a close family member or friend. Continue to think of ways to be of assistance—if it’s been weeks or even months, it doesn’t matter. They will still really appreciate your acts of kindness. 

You will feel a loss too; your friend or family member is not the same person. You may need your own support. Here at CCCRD, we would love to be a resource in times of grief.