Facing the Music: 4 Ways to Interrupt Your Relational Dance
You know that same-old argument you have with your partner over and over? It’s always the same pattern: she does that annoying thing, he says the same cutting thing he always does, she responds back in anger, and they’re off to the marital-strife races.
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), this is called “the dance”: the interactions a couple plays out like a broken record.
Throughout my series on EFT, I’ve discussed the dance, relational safety, and the roots of different attachment styles. Developing awareness of your strategies, behaviors, and motivations in a relationship is an important prerequisite to the work of EFT. However, the real magic happens when a couple begins to interrupt their dance.
The evolution of “the dance”
The beginning of a relationship is often like a spicy tango with someone you’re infatuated with. The pull is magnetic and intoxicating. But as a relationship ages, the thrill of the chase eventually loses its luster. Frustration and disappointment can replace butterflies and warm fuzzies. A couple stuck in an endless loop, fighting that same old fight, can begin to feel hopeless and wonder, “how did we end up here?”
The anxious-avoidant trap
One of the most common patterns that couples fall into is the anxious-avoidant trap. Remember attachment styles? The anxious-avoidant trap happens when one partner (the pursuer) shows anxious attachment and the other avoidant (the withdrawer). Here, the anxious partner pursues closeness, validation, and reassurance that they won’t be abandoned. Even the most committed partner can be perceived as in threat of leaving; it largely depends on the anxious partner’s past relationships and how they project onto their partner. Sensing a “threat,” the pursuer moves toward the other hoping to express, discuss, and fix the problem.
On the other side, the avoidant partner tries to evade the discussion the pursuer is forcing! Withdrawers are often uncomfortable with vulnerability, making them avoid situations where they might be exposed as being “not enough.” They interpret anxious attempts to “fix” the relationship as an attack and decide to withdraw to safety. Such behaviors often come from a deep fear of relational engulfment, suffocating the withdrawer by the pursuer’s attempts at closeness.
In turn, the pursuer gets even more distressed by the withdrawer’s disappearing act, resulting in criticism, lashing out in anger, and making demands. Instead of achieving closeness and connection, both partners feel attacked by the other, driving each other further apart. And the dance continues.
How do we stop the madness?
How do we make it stop? Here are strategies to start changing your negative relational dance.
1. Own your part
It’s important to understand that both anxious and avoidant partners operate out of fear and insecurity—they just developed opposite strategies to manage their discomfort. In EFT, the counselor works with each partner to get to the underlying need beneath their behavior. This calls for honesty and vulnerability.
Here are some questions to get started.
What are my expectations of my partner? Are they realistic?
How are my words and actions hurting my partner?
What do I need from the other? Is this reasonable?
Once both partners see each other’s behaviors for what they are—as attempts to find safety—they can take responsibility for their role in the dance. A key moment here is when each partner sees the person in front of them as a wounded person who also just wants to be loved, and not their enemy.
2. Listen closely
Both the pursuer and withdrawer are communicating constantly through verbal and nonverbal language. Things often just get lost in translation. A unique and effective thing about couples therapy is that each person learns about themselves and the other. While the counselor is working with one partner, he or she is also modeling how to care for and speak to the other. Attachment wounds are seen and validated. “Aha” moments often happen when the walls come down and one will say, “I never knew you felt this way.” Here in the small details of learning to listen, connection is slowly being rebuilt.
3. Communicate clearly
Learning what’s really going on allows the couple to learn how to effectively express needs and wants.
For the anxious partner, this might mean pausing and not acting on assumptions. It also means determining the difference between a need and a want, and inviting their partner (but not demanding) to be a part of it. For instance, “You never tell me anything” turns into “I feel lonely and worried when you don’t call to say you’re working late. I would like it if you could give me a heads-up next time.” This expresses the self and invites the other partner in.
For the avoidant partner, this means engaging and expressing their emotions instead of burying them and retreating to safety. This might sound like, “I’m feeling overwhelmed by the commotion from the kids right now. I need to go get some fresh air for a few minutes, but I would like to continue talking once I’ve calmed down.”
Both of these statements neither demand nor dismiss, but leave things open for reconnection. The goal is for each person to see and be seen.
4. Dance with new moves
With all of these new ways of seeing, speaking, and relating, the couple is instilling new habits into everyday life. Slowing down the pursuer long enough for the withdrawer to breathe and choose to stay present opens a path for both to meet in the middle. This is the essence of EFT. Both partners can find the courage to vulnerably lay their armor down and see each other through a clearer lens, and a beautiful new dance emerges.
Would you like to start a new relational dance with your partner? CCCRD is ready to help. Reach out at cccrd.org/session.