Relationships and Counseling: What is EFT?
In the famous fight scene of The Break-Up, Gary and Brooke (Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston) have a heated spat. The fight is about lemons, the ballet, and Brooke’s hope that Gary would “want” to do the dishes. “Why would I want to do the dishes?!” he yells. Their hilarious exchange seems to be about minor issues, but the reality is that they’ve gotten stuck in an unfortunate cycle they can’t resolve—which leads to the couple breaking up that night. What ensues next is an extreme game of cat and mouse where Gary and Brooke try to outdo each other with petty displays to make the other angry or jealous.
This push-pull dynamic and many of their behaviors are common in couples. One way therapists work on these dynamics with couples in counseling is through Emotion-Focused Therapy, a technique that has proven to be very effective at restoring and establishing healthy bonds. It emerged from the work of Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg in the mid-1980s on the main premise is that emotions communicate needs and when they are broken down and worked through, can help resolve relational problems between a couple.
Introducing “the dance”
In the counseling session, this means learning to see the “dance”—the ever-repeating cycle of interaction that a couple experiences. You know that same old argument couples have over and over? This is where we find the dance and this is where the work of EFT couples therapy occurs.
Once this dance is identified, the therapist works with the couple to slow down the process and help them attune to the emotions each partner is feeling in the moment. These emotions are important because they reveal unmet needs that both long for the other to satisfy. More often than not, these needs are communicated through off-putting behaviors that actually reinforce the push-pull cycle after being totally lost in translation; and here we have “the dance.”
The stages of EFT
The bulk of the work in the first two stages of EFT is identifying and interrupting the dance unique to the couple. This requires a sometimes difficult awareness of oneself and the partner’s emotions and behaviors, allowing the other to be able to meet them in the middle of the emotion-fueled drama.
In EFT, emotions are both the target and the agent of change. Once we engage the emotions and begin to reveal the attachment needs underlying them, the couple has more room for acceptance and understanding. In other words, they finally start to hear each other.
From this foundation of understanding, the therapist guides and teaches the couple how to express their needs and wants to each other in a healthy way. At this point, the relationship will begin to shift from both people feeling like enemies to being emotionally-engaged allies that view the problem as the enemy, working together to fight it.
The problem isn’t the problem
In the final stage, the therapist works with the couple to create new solutions to their relationship problems (that same old fight dressed up in different outfits). They start to learn that “the problem” isn’t really the problem. Their new awareness of themselves, their partner, and both of their needs makes the dance easier to detect and interrupt. They learn to communicate honestly and vulnerably so that the push-pull dynamic is stopped and replaced with attunement and connection. After learning how to attune to each other, the couple puts this into practice outside the counseling room and are better equipped to handle issues that come up in this healthier way.
The goal: Establishing safety
The overarching goal of EFT is to re-establish (or for some, establish for the first time) emotional connection and therefore safety in their relationship. People were created for connection and care, not just as infants and children, but all throughout life. We are happiest and most at peace when we have secure and close bonds with people. For couples in relationships and marriage, their partner should be their safest person. EFT has helped many couples get to this point.