Developing Safety and Trust in Relationship
“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow – this is a human offering that can border on the miraculous.” – Elizabeth Gilbert
Have you ever typed an entire email or text and second-guessed yourself? You clearly communicated what you wanted to, but you retype it again out of fear that your words might be misinterpreted?
For most, this is a daily task. You would be amazed at how much time we spend in the pursuit of avoiding misinterpretation. In our current cultural climate, a mistake in how you say something can be a very big deal. People seem to hold temporary failings against you forever rather than attempt to put the communication in the context of the whole person.
You find what you look for
Lavernty Beria, the longest-serving chief of the secret police in Stalin’s Soviet Union, once famously said, “Show me the man, and I’ll show you the crime.” We tend to find what we look for in life. What this means in this context is, if you are looking to find offense or for a reason not to trust someone, you will find it.
The person I sin against the most in life is my wife. Why? It actually has nothing to do with my wife. It is the same reason I am more likely to have a car accident a mile from my house rather than in the great state of Montana. I spend more time within a mile of my house than in Montana (where I’ve never been). I sin most against my wife because my dark and sinful heart lives next to hers. So, if you look to find offense you will find it because, as sinners, we are very often offensive.
What a different world it would be
If we come across a potential misinterpretation of someone, rarely do we seek them out and address it with them. Not to say we don’t address it at all. Rather, we tend to address it with other friends, family, Facebook, or Twitter. What a different world we would live in if people would address these possible misinterpretations with one another. Think of the freedom we would have in relationship with each other if we were able to address these issues openly. Yes, there might be some conflict, but the conflict would serve to grow the relationship. We might face an open road rather than a full-stop dead end.
Responsible to, not responsible for
Remember, we are responsible to one another—but not responsible for one another. That means that we are responsible to communicate in an honest and loving fashion. However, we are not responsible for the other’s response. If they are quick to assume the negative, it typically reflects either a brokenness in the relationship (for which we may bear some responsibility) or a potential projection by the other based on their past experiences of relationship.
How about you?
What does this look like in your life? Are you quick to assume the worst when misinterpretation is possible? Are you quick to cut off those who you deem to have made a mistake?
As an exercise, pick a relationship in your life (your spouse might be a good start!) In this relationship, do you hold things in? Are you transparent about your feelings regarding interactions you’ve had with them? Take responsibility for your own feelings. You are entitled to your own feelings, just not your own facts. Be careful not to blame them for your interpretation or for the feelings you have had as a result. By showing the courage to enter into relationship honestly, you might see a new level of safety and trust develop. This will, in the long run, set you up for success and much more relational fulfillment.
