The Problem With Problem-Solving

What do you do when you encounter a problem?

One of the most common responses to problems I see is jumping right into problem-solving mode. There are lots of good reasons for this. Problem-solving can take a looming threat or fear and bring it down to the practical. It can help a person discern what they can actually do (or can’t actually do) and thereby decrease anxiety. Ultimately, looking for a solution is incredibly helpful and well-meaning. 

So, what’s the downside? Despite its benefits, moving from a problem to solution-seeking is primarily an intellectual faculty. The muscle it uses most is the brain, overpowering emotions. This is what we call “intellectualizing.” 

What Is Intellectualizing?

Intellectualizing is a possible response to new, unexpected, or overwhelming circumstances. It takes matters of the heart and the soul and moves them to the brain. That’s helpful when you get a flat tire or have to unexpectedly plan a funeral, but there are limits to what it can accomplish.

It seems to be true of human existence that some things can’t be “solved.” Relationships that previously functioned without a hitch become strained. Friends and family become ill or pass away. Children exhibit behavioral or emotional issues, or teens start making unwise decisions. It’s not that problem-solving or intellectualizing is irrelevant in these circumstances. But the fact is, when life’s stuff hits you, it’s often more “emotional” than “rational.” There is no perfect way to approach it that ties up all the loose ends. 

Mental health can go the same way. If I’m experiencing a depressive episode, it would make sense to start thinking about how to solve it. But what have I done in the process? By jumping straight to the mind, I bypass the experience of depression. I don’t give those emotions of grief, sadness, fear, exhaustion, or longing the air they need to breathe. And, in turn, I might miss what they’re actually trying to tell me.

Embracing Emotionality

If intellectualizing doesn’t always do the job, what can? In my counseling work, the task at hand regularly becomes embracing emotionality. This is the recognition that emotions are unavoidable in ourselves and others, are not “good” or “bad” in and of themselves, and that much of healthy relationship will involve periods of emotional discomfort.

When we start paying attention to emotions, we tune into all kinds of other things that come up with that situation. Maybe the circumstances of your situation are making you angry, and anger makes you think of your irritable mother, who always had a coarse word. Perhaps you’re fearful, and that makes you think of the time you got lost at the county fair when you were seven. Maybe you’re overwhelmed with sadness, which makes you think people won’t want to be around you, and you’ll end up all alone. This is the power of emotions—so often, they are a pipeline right to the heart of the matter, and they access something that thinking alone won’t reach. 

Digging Deeper Wells

Emotionality and intellectualizing are not either-or. Both have their usefulness and importance. But if you’re the kind of person who regularly hears, “I don’t want solutions; I just want you to listen to me!” then deepening your emotional awareness might help your relationships.

When we embrace emotionality, we begin to dig deeper wells of emotion. We discover our own depth of feeling, allowing us to feel more deeply for others. Having befriended our own anxiety, we can enter into the anxiety of others; coming to terms with our own sadness makes us feel like we won’t be swallowed up by someone else’s sadness. Suddenly, we’re in the realm of vulnerability, and safe vulnerability is the key to deep, meaningful relationship. 

Emotions Are the Best Solution

Ironically, for you problem-solvers out there, developing the ability to engage emotionally without the need for solutions can actually be the best way to “solve” the problem. When you engage with your teen's deep emotions surrounding their behavior, you might not find the best way to stop the behavior, but you do develop a relationship in which your teen feels safe to talk to you about what’s going on in their lives. The same goes for other emotions: you can’t “solve” grief, but in sitting with your own sadness alongside a grieving friend, they experience that they are not alone, and getting through that day becomes the slightest bit easier. Especially in those circumstances where there is no perfect solution, engaging the emotional content of the situation may be your most practical option, anyway.

To be a person is to feel deeply. There’s no way around it. May we be open and available to both the highs and lows in ourselves and others.