“Team Us”: Oneness in Marriage
As the old saying goes, “there is no I in team.” Marriage is a team sport that requires a commitment to each other above self in order to be victorious: it’s “Us,” not “Me”.
Couples sometimes need to be reminded that they are on the same team and can work as teammates rather than opponents. I call this a “Team Us” mindset. Having a “Team Us” mindset helps couples get on the same page, become solution-focused rather than problem-focused, and work together to deal with the problems that bring them to counseling. The first step to getting back on track is getting partners back on the same team.
When the Problem is Not the Real Problem
I have often found that the divide between partners is a bigger threat to their union than the problems they bring to counseling. Jesus warned that a house divided against itself cannot stand.
My favorite example of this is in the movie Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s characters fell in love, but their marriage became lackluster. After being convinced that their spouse was a threat—and both being highly skilled assassins contracted to take one another out—the two literally destroyed their house in a game of kill or be killed. In the end, their love prevailed. They chose to join forces and together took on the world and won.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith had a boatload of problems, some a matter of life or death. But at the end of the day, being divided was the bigger threat to their union. They managed to survive and saved their marriage by choosing a “Team Us” mindset. Although the movie is fictional, it lends credence to the real problem of division, its threat to real marriages, and the power of unity and commitment to a common goal.
Oneness as a Goal
Having a “Team Us” mindset means making a commitment to oneness. In all my work and training in marriage and family therapy, I have found oneness to be a mainstay. The same is true in my own marriage as well. Whenever my husband and I find ourselves in a stance of opposition, we have learned to stop and focus on getting back on the same team as God intended. By doing this we prioritize oneness as the immediate and foremost concern. Then, together we can find a safe pathway forward to deal with the problem at hand.
A Solid Foundation
Consider the parable of the wise builder. The story illustrates the necessity of establishing a solid foundation when building a house. In marriage, oneness is like the concrete used to establish such a foundation. It is on that solid foundation that you can begin to build a better marriage. It’s about having a “Team Us” mindset: remembering you’re on the same team and working together as God intended.
The first step toward establishing a “Team Us” commitment is believing that your partner has good intentions toward you. In moments of disconnection, seek to understand what is happening and what your partner needs from you in order to reconnect and move forward together. Create a safe space where you both can be vulnerable, always extending grace to yourself and one another.
From the beginning, a biblical concept of marriage reveals that God intended for couples to function in unity and in love. Having a “Team Us” mindset glorifies God, and it sets up couples for success by honoring God’s plan for marriage.