Be Not Quick to Resolve All Conflict
The following is a republished article by Dr. Frank Mancuso, the founder of CCCRD. Frank passed away last May, but his legacy and approach continue to guide our practice. To honor his life and work, and to keep drawing from his deep well of wisdom, we’ll periodically republish his writings like the one below. We hope you’ll be blessed and encouraged by the words of this impactful counselor and thoughtful friend.
There is a sharp difference between managing conflicts at the surface level and resolving underlying attitudes.
Most, it seems, are relieved to quickly end a conflict through a fast apology, immediately paying back what was borrowed when reminded or, again, promising not to be so critical. And many victims of these indiscretions are also content to put a quick end to conflicts.
The trouble with such brief reconciliations is the failure to recognize, address, and attempt to bring resolution to the attitudes that lie below the more obvious, problemed behavior. Attitudes, such as irresponsibility, poor judgment, need for control, sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, etc. Until we assess the possible underlying influence and work toward depth resolution, the outward behavior will likely be repeated again in the future.
One way to help affect change on that deeper level is to stall the quick apology or correction until a meaningful discussion changes the course sufficiently to offer a more detailed and permanent resolution. We do this by keeping the conflict in play long enough to figure out the real problem and address that—not just the superficial one. By such conversation, we add a necessary depth and meaningfulness to an apology or recompense, for both the offender and the offended.
We are to repeatedly forgive a person if he is truly repentant (Luke 17:3-4). Yet, forgiveness is a process to which Scripture gives plenty of leeway as to the speed at which forgiveness is given. Offended people need to be heard before offering forgiveness and offenders need to hear their behavior’s impact before asking for forgiveness. This helps ensure adequate understanding and confidence for all to prevent reoccurrence.