The Mental Load of Motherhood
Motherhood can be busy. The early years are filled with so much: toddler tantrums, the blue plate versus the red plate, the big feelings, and your own big feelings. Later on, new challenges arise: older kids have big emotions too as they start managing relationships and friendships and the pressure of schoolwork. There’s a lot to stay on top of.
Understanding cognitive labor
Mothers often shoulder the day-to-day needs of children, and much of that is unseen mental work. This is also called cognitive labor: “the anticipating, thinking and caring about the family needs and feelings which involves scheduling, planning and organizing required to support the smooth operating of families” [1]. While more and more fathers are aware of mothers’ needs and the needs of the family, studies still show that much of the domestic work in the house or with the children will more likely be handled by the mother [1].
Cognitive labor can look like anticipating when to buy more diapers, what food is needed for dinner, children’s projects, or educational needs. Add in your own work, friendships, marriage, Bible studies, and mental or physical health, and it all can seem exhausting. And that’s even when things are running smoothly. If a traumatic event or serious illness comes along, these events can take time and mental capacity to process. Mental capacity that it feels like you don’t have—conversations with kids can seem triggering or you might find yourself being short with them because your mind is elsewhere.
Finding the stillness
How can you stay on top of it all? Well, the simple answer is you can’t. There is only one way to do it: with God. Ask Him and invite him to help you. What is it that you want, God?
Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am God.” When was the last time you were still? This is especially hard for mothers of young kids. Step one to managing the mental load is finding stillness, after the kids go to bed, early in the morning, or even nap time. You choose your time, prioritize and carve it in, and be filled with God. Put away the phone so there are no distractions and find quiet, find stillness. Be reminded of who you are and whose you are.
Be still and evaluate what needs to be done, and what doesn’t. What is a necessity and what do you need to say no to? Sometimes less is more.
Then evaluate what areas or needs of yourself and/or your household are not being met. Communicate this with your partner and find a way to move forward. Talk about what it looks like to meet needs together. If it is an emotional need, then take time to process. If it’s physical, maybe you need to structure some exercise or prioritize a healthier diet. If it’s a spiritual need, then seek out a Bible study or time to reflect and be with the Lord.
Maybe you need an extended amount of time, maybe there’s a lot on your mind—this is when you lean into your support (a partner, a friend, a parent) to give you time away from the children to help sort through some of these deeper-rooted thoughts.
It’s going to look different for everyone, but the reality is that we can take our thoughts captive and dedicate them to the God that hears them. He desires you to slow down and listen to Him. It is usually in the slowing down that you can hear more clearly.
This might look like taking a break from social media—that endless flow of moving thoughts that creates more chaos and stress actually acts as a distraction from what you are truly longing for. Rest in Him, and find a healthy quiet, because the truth is that the business of life is distracting you from the miracle of the everyday. The children are the miracle.
“Let the children come to me…”
The fact is that each child is a blessing and gift from God. In Mark 10:14-16, we see people bringing their children to Jesus. Jesus says, “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.”
What mothers are truly longing for is this gratitude and appreciation to see—for the eyes of our hearts to be opened to the fascination and joy of our children. They are the miracle, and through them, we can see and understand God more deeply. Let us continue to see the miracle within them, the miracle of the One who made them.
[1] Liz Dean, Brendan Churchill & Leah Ruppanner (2021): The mental load: building a deeper theoretical understanding of how cognitive and emotional labor overload women and mothers, Community, Work & Family, https://doi.org/10.1080/13668803.2021.2002813