De-escalation Techniques for Everyday Use

Oct 2

The longer I live, the more convinced I am that every person, every group, even entire countries as a whole live their lives affected by trauma. Though it has quickly become a buzz word, our trauma—either individual or collective—does influence what we think of ourselves, what we think others think of us, how we make decisions, how we communicate, and how we interpret other people’s actions. And if that trauma is not understood by us and the people we’re interacting with, it can wreak havoc on the world, both figuratively—as in our individual little spheres of influence—and also literally the entire world. Learning to notice our trauma and that of others and to de-escalate tension is imperative to moving forward in relationships of all levels.

What Is Trauma

Think of a contentious relationship that you are privvy to, on any level of society (individuals or groups), and let’s start with trauma. Trauma causes people to be unable to cope with what’s in front of them. It causes them to experience extreme stress, and to essentially shut down instead of making calm and rational decisions. Can you think of a person or group who, to you, seems like they’re doing things that make no sense? It’s possible that their trauma (their extreme stress) is causing them to act out of desperation, to go into “fight” or “flight” responses in order to manage whatever threat they feel they’re encountering. It’s possible that the threat they’re perceiving is you or your group. If so, here are a few things that you or your group can do to de-escalate the situation.

Empathy First

As the saying goes, “don’t fight fire with fire.” When others do things that you consider bad, crazy, or even violent, your first response can’t be to attack back. If you seek to understand the other person/group first, you will be more likely to not escalate the issue with your own negative reactions. Instead, you can try to step into the other person’s/group’s shoes and think about what it must be like to be them, think about the environmental factors that surround them and what they would need in order to feel safe. For example, what is the person’s/group’s relationship to the following things:

Income
Nutrition
Housing
Pregnancy/parenting
Involvement with the criminal justice system
Institutional barriers/prejudice

No matter who the person or group is, they have had personal experience with all of these things and their experiences might be very different from yours. Their needs might be different from your needs. And it will be easier for you to understand their actions (and avoid hatred in your own heart) if you understand what they need to feel safe and secure.

De-escalation & Engagement

The next time you engage the person or group, keep the following techniques in mind.

Establish verbal contact. If the person/group is willing, establish contact that is in-person so you can talk face-to-face. It is a lot easier to misunderstand someone through texting, emailing, or social media.
Respect personal space. If someone has asked you to leave them alone, leave them alone. If they agree to meet you in person, give them enough physical space to feel comfortable.
Don’t be provocative. “Don’t poke the bear.” Don’t intentionally try to make someone angry or try to make them look stupid. Avoid sarcasm, baiting, name-calling, etc.
Be concise. Don’t drone on and on about your perspective. Remember, your first goal is to hear from them so you can understand where they’re coming from.
Identify feelings. Feelings express need and motivation. If you can understand the other’s needs and motivations, you’re one step closer to building trust.
Listen closely to what the other is saying. Actively pay attention and verbally reflect back what the other said instead of forming your own responses as they’re talking. Again, your goal is to understand them, not to argue with them and win.
Offer choices and optimism. No one likes to feel trapped with no hope of escape. Rather than insisting upon something, try laying out choices for next steps, giving the other person/group the sense that you are flexible and they have some control.
Check your tone and posture. Your gestures, facial expressions, movements, and tone of voice can all affect whether you come across as firm vs. aggressive or supportive vs. adversarial. If you don’t know how you’re coming across in the moment, consider asking.
Allow Time & Silence. People often panic when they feel rushed. Giving the other person time to think and collect their thoughts is a show of respect and can earn trust.
Agree or agree to disagree. There can be multiple ways of doing things. Even if you can’t agree on the method, you can still treat the other person/group with respect.

It might seem naive to think that decades-long mistrust can be fixed with a few simple techniques, but de-escalation can be useful whether you’re simply talking to your family members, considering commenting on social media, or actively participating in a political party. And I know most of these techniques are obvious, but it’s surprising how quickly we forget them when someone is sticking their finger in our trauma wounds. We all have the opportunity and the responsibility to change the contentious contexts in which we find ourselves. We can choose to be people (and groups of people) who notice trauma, listen well, build trust, and bring peace.