Loss During The Holidays
Photo courtesy of Freepik
It is expected that the holiday season be a time of joy and fun, spent with family and friends; and, especially where Christmas is concerned, it’s a time to reflect on Christ’s birth and share in traditions and make memories. But if you are grieving the loss of a loved one, the holidays can also be a time of heavy-hearted sadness. Suddenly, instead of enjoying fun traditions, this season feels like a minefield filled with painful memories of who and what you are missing.
The Process of Grief
When experiencing loss and bereavement, it is helpful to understand that there are stages to the process of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And, while I’ve written these stages in list form, grief is typically not a linear process. Maybe for the past few months things have been feeling better, but once December hits that “progress” may seem to be lost. The Christmas season (and other major milestone events like a birthday or anniversary) can shatter the illusion of "getting over it." You might experience acceptance one moment, followed by a sudden, intense wave of anger or denial the next, perhaps triggered by a familiar Christmas ornament or the scent of a loved one’s favorite food. It is important to know and remember that grief is not a neat and straightforward process. During this season, you can expect the "grief waves" to come more frequently and crash with more force, but this is not a sign of weakness or a failure to cope; it’s a natural and expected part of carrying loss through a season defined by intense connection. Give yourself permission to feel it all without judgment.
Integrating Grief
Coping during the holidays requires intention, flexibility, and grace for oneself. If you’re wondering how someone experiencing loss can possibly move through this demanding season without simply shutting down or putting on a painful performance of false cheer, below are some strategies that might help you pursue intention, flexibility, and grace well.
Establish a "Safe Word" and an Exit Strategy: At parties or gatherings, you don't need to stay until the end. Pre-arrange a signal with a trusted friend or family member—a "safe word" or a look—that means, "I need to leave now, no questions asked." Give yourself permission to attend for only 30 minutes.
Embrace the Feelings, Don't Fight Them: Trying to force happiness is exhausting and often backfires. If you need to cry, let the tears come. If you need a moment of quiet solitude in a back room, take it. The Bible tells us that Jesus was "a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief" (Isaiah 53:3), and in fact, He wept openly (John 11:35). Acknowledging sadness is a sign of strength, not a lack of faith.
Reach Out for Support: Isolation is grief’s best friend. This season, intentionally seek out the company of those who get it—people who don't feel the need to offer platitudes or rush your healing. Call a grief counselor, join a temporary holiday support group, or simply reach out to a friend who is a good listener.
Furthermore, instead of trying to celebrate in spite of your loved one’s absence, try to find small, healthy ways to celebrate with their memory. Grief integrated is grief softened. Here are some things to try:
Create a New Tradition of Honor: Dedicate a specific holiday activity to their memory. This could be lighting a special candle and sharing a brief, happy memory before dinner, or donating to their favorite charity in their name, or making their favorite holiday recipe.
The Empty Chair: Some families choose to place an ornament on the tree that symbolizes the loved one, or leave a chair empty but put a framed photo on it. This acknowledges the reality of the loss and gives permission for others to gently remember them, too.
Practice Self-Compassion: You may not have the emotional capacity for the elaborate traditions of the past. It is completely okay to scale back. Order the food, skip the decorating, or postpone a gathering. Do what you can manage, and no more.
God’s Presence in Suffering
Lastly, during this time of difficulty where the pain feels more present than the joy of the season, remember that you are not alone. We serve a God who is with us in our pain, a God who understands what it is to grieve and to suffer. Remain close to Him as you navigate this difficult month and search for His peace and joy even in the midst of great pain and suffering. That is what it is to be a Christian, to hold joy and suffering together with the knowledge that this world is not our home and death does not have the final say.
The very reason we celebrate Christmas is because of God’s decisive and intimate intervention into human suffering. Christmas reminds us that our God is not a distant, removed deity, but one who stepped into our messy, broken world. Lean into that hope this season. Carry your grief gently, honor your loved one openly, and remember that the God who sent His Emmanuel into the world is holding you close in your sorrow.