The Looping Road of Regrets
Photo courtesy of Magnific.
Most of us know what it’s like to feel bad about something. It could be a missed chance, a choice that had unanticipated results, or an angry statement that can't be changed. Regret typically means thinking about what we "should have done differently" over and over again, going back to events from the past and envisioning how things could have turned out better. It is normal to feel regret at some point, but if it lasts too long, it can make us feel guilty, anxious, and unsure of ourselves. Oddly enough, though, regret can also be helpful from a therapy point of view. If we are kind and curious about it, regret can become a chance to think, grow, and learn.
Getting Out of The Loop
We often feel bad about choices that were made when we didn't have all the facts or the emotional support we needed, or about things we did that don’t fit with our ideals. We often blame ourselves and get stuck in a thought loop. We might say things such as, "I should have known better," "I messed everything up," or "I can't forgive myself." But these views are often overly harsh and unfair. Through cognitive behavioral therapy and other types of therapy, counselors can help people come to understand how our automatic thinking can make our regrets worse. Accepting these thoughts and replacing them with a more objective point of view can help ease the emotional weight of regret.
Along with counseling (or interwoven with it), people often find strength through faith in spiritual beliefs. Many religious traditions discuss self-growth, forgiveness, and grace. These ideas can make people feel better and serve as a reminder that our flaws do not define who we are. They can help us be kind to ourselves, knowing that we should treat ourselves the same way we would a friend who has made a mistake.
Awareness & Intentionality
There are a number of steps that counselors suggest for those seeking to deal with regret in a better way. The first step is to become more aware of your own feelings of regret. This could entail noticing when specific memories cause you to self-criticize, or determining what causes your "what if" scenarios to arise. You may find it easier to understand how you feel and what you wish had been different if you write in a journal while you think back on what happened.
Understanding & Compassion
Another step that can help is to gently question the inner critic. When you feel regret, ask yourself questions like, "What did I know at the time?" or "What pressures or circumstances affected my choice?" These questions don't make bad actions okay, but they do help us understand the situation better and see our former selves with compassion. We can take responsibility for our past choices while also giving ourselves grace if we look at the choices through the lens of growth instead of blame. We stop defining ourselves by one moment or choice and start to see that hard times can help us grow. Studies on emotional well-being indicate that individuals who confront mistakes with curiosity and compassion are more inclined to derive lessons from them and progress in a more constructive manner.
Past & Future Values
Finally, feeling bad about something can help you get back in touch with your own values. When you think about what you wish you had done differently, you can learn a lot about yourself, like how important honesty, patience, courage, or a deeper connection with other people is to you. Once you know what these values are, you can start making new choices that are in line with who you want to be in the future.
Letting go of regret doesn't mean forgetting the past or acting like mistakes never happened. Instead, it means learning from those experiences so they can help you do better in the future.
Reflection Questions:
What situations or memories tend to bring up feelings of regret for me?
What do I usually tell myself when I think about the moments I regret?
If a friend were confessing the same regret to me, what would I tell them?
What value of mine does this regret reveal? How can I pursue that value in the future?
References:Muchnick, M. (2011, March 5). Make peace with yourself: How we let go of regret. Psychology Today.
Richo, D. (2026, January 15). How to let go of regret. Psychology Today.
Strobel, T. (n.d.). Unlocking happiness: 8 ways to let go of past regrets. Be More With Less.
DeSteno, D. (2014, November 3). Letting go of regret. Psychology Today.
